This is Good, Isn't It?

The Napoleon of Television - The Reichenbach Fall review

2012-01-16T15:55:00.000-08:00

Another series of Sherlock over, another long wait...

Series two went out with a bang (followed by a "wheeeeee" and a "splat") on Sunday with Steve Thompson's The Reichenbach Fall. Here's a brief (because I'm actually properly a student with studying to do again) review:

I wasn't actually too optimistic about this episode, for two main reasons:

1. Steve Thompson - it's written by a man whose previous work has been, to put it nicely, underwhelming. His first series Sherlock episode was by far the weakest of the three and his Doctor Who episode was a televisual abomination with 2011's most infamous continuity error and one of the most cringingly stupid sci-fi ideas to have ever been imagined. Reflections. Portals. No.

2. The Final Problem - the source material for this story, while often seen as one of Holmes' more iconic adventures, is actually a pretty naff story, written entirely to satisfy Arthur Conan Doyle's boredom with the character. Holmes has gathered evidence (the nature of which is unrevealed) to arrest his nemesis Moriarty (whom the reader has never heard of before - granted the show had already beat Doyle on that front), gets a train across Europe to escape, then is seemingly pushed into a waterfall in an unseen "climactic" showdown with his evil arch enemy of the past 20 pages.

Nevertheless, the episode was fucking BRILLIANT.

Especially the last half hour. So much tension, both dramatic and homoerotic.

Far surpassing the source material (and incorporating elements of another, actually not bad, Holmes story, The Priory School, if I'm not mistaken), The Reichenbach Fall was a non-stop 90 minute mind game between Holmes and Jim. Jim Moriarty, that is. The episode incorporated the best parts of the story while relocating them efficiently to twenty-first century London (so a hospital roof may not be as visually dramatic as a Swiss waterfall, but, you know, TV budget, and they've already been to exotic Dartmoor), adding more funny nods (nice to see the return of the"Sherlock Holmes hat") and retaining the series' great visual flourishes. And while I still don't like referring to him as 'Jim', Andrew Scott's villainous mastermind really shone here in his repeated (and actually seen) confrontations with Holmes; it was a delight to watch the two geniuses (genii?) interact; magnificently acted, each trying to stay one step ahead of the other. Not forgetting Martin Freeman, who, as always, hit the perfect emotional chords and can never have enough praise.

The episode also saw a major development in the character arc of the once-emotionless Holmes being gradually humanised by his friendship with John. While this development was subtly present in Conan Doyle's works, the series brings it to the front and portrays the friendship beautifully. Holmes realises how much he has grown to like his friends, allowing Moriarty to use this to his psychopathic advantage, and making that ending all the more tragic.

Wait a minute, it's not finished yet...

What the fuck?

OK, I knew that would happen. Of course he's alive. That's what Sherlock Holmes does. But do we really have to wait so long to find out how?

Perhaps... has anyone else noticed this:

You know how the last series of Doctor Who ended with the Doctor faking his death to fool his enemies but having to live with his friends thinking he's dead?

You know what we all just watched?

I call it now: Holmes used the Teselecta.

2012, the new Golden Age of silent cinema - The Artist review

2012-01-12T06:01:00.000-08:00

The best film currently showing in cinemas is a silent film.

A silent film about silent film. A postmodern silent film, maybe, but a silent film nonetheless.

It's not pretentiously arty. It's not boringly old fashioned. It's a brilliant film that anyone can enjoy. And a silent film. Take that in your cake and eat it, risk-averse Hollywood studio type people.

It's 1927 and George Valentin (Jean Dujardin) is a beloved silent film actor who loves to put on a show for his cheering audience. He's also a bit of an old flirt and helps kick-start the career of aspiring young actress Peppy Miller (Bérénice Bejo). But the Golden Age of silent cinema is declining and, as "talkies" come to Hollywood, Valentin finds his stardom waning, his marriage crumbling and his fortunes running dry. Meanwhile, Miller is the talk of the nation with her popular sound films.

Michel Hazanavicius' The Artist has romance, laughter, sadness, spectacle and a dog. The best dog in all of cinema. Really, it's amazingly cute and can act damn well. Give it a dog Oscar. Back to the point: The Artist has all the necessary ingredients, not just for a perfect homage to silent cinema, but also for a perfect film in its own right; a story which can't fail to entertain, enthrall and emotionally affect any viewer, whether or not they're a fan of silent cinema.

Looking at it as a homage to silent cinema, it's clear that Hazanavicius has a great amount of love for the era. The changing times are beautifully brought to the screen with stunning detail, using the true stories of silent film actors finding themselves without a job to encapsulate the glamourous period within a powerful story of love and pride. For the film historians, there are a good deal of clever nods to the silent film era, although I doubt I noticed them all myself, and loving humour is also drawn from the period; the series of failed takes, as a dinner party scene is alternately bungled by extras falling into the wrong shot and Valentin dancing with Miller for too long is a perfect mix of humour, romance and homage, making it an utterly unforgettable scene.

The Artist is a beautiful film which broke through my hard emotional shell and touched me (I didn't cry, honest... *looks shiftily around, asserting macho dignity*).

Plus, it also has John Goodman, Malcolm McDowell and a scene shamelessly ripped straight out of Citizen Kane, which was slightly odd.

I want to see The Artist again, right now. So should you.

Well, not quite as bad as the real Thatcher - The Iron Lady review

2012-01-10T18:55:00.000-08:00

To give a fair review of Phyllida Lloyd’s Thatcher biopic The Iron Lady is a difficult task for any critic, as the film’s appeal relies primarily on the inevitable controversy caused by documenting the life of one of recent history’s most divisive politicians.

With this in mind, I’ll make it clear that, as a Labour supporter, I find the glorified portrayal of whom I consider to be a thoroughly detestable politician to be rather vile. Watching Thatcher’s rise to power encapsulated in a typical filmic “unlikely hero struggling against adversity to do what’s right” narrative made me want to boo or punch someone, my preferred victim being the actress who plays a young Maggie in a particularly sickening series of "romantic" scenes in which she falls in love with future husband Denis. I’m sure Alexandra Roach is a pleasant, attractive person, but with that haircut and this sentiment… urgh (Meryl Streep can survive my mad rage, more on her later).

Then again, if I were a Tory voter, I’d probably find the portrayal of an elderly woman being driven mad by hallucinations of her dead husband while said woman is still alive in real life to be somewhat lacking in taste. In fact, even left wing Kieron feels somewhat uneasy with that side of the film.

Politics aside, is the film any good?

Short answer: no.

Long answer:

Well…

Let’s look at the positive side first. Meryl Streep gives an excellent performance as the eponymous Iron Lady, perfectly bringing to life the powerful presence and physical characteristics of the ambitious politician in both her political life and her interactions with Denis, as well as her fragility in her old age. Streep deserves to be at least recognised with award nominations and perhaps even wins, and that’s not just because I can’t think of too many recent female-led films (though Tilda Swinton and Michelle Williams also deserve high praise this year).

The rest of the cast includes more great performances from ever-lovable-even-as-the-dead-racist-husband-of-the-woman-who-ruined-Britain Jim Broadbent, rising star Olivia Colman, Anthony Head and Richard E. Grant. Yes, the cast is by far the best element of the film.

The major problem with The Iron Lady as a piece of narrative cinema is that it seems unsure of its focus. Is it a psychological study of an elderly mind falling apart? A feminist film? A political drama? A slapstick sci-fi comedy? Lloyd tries to make it into all of these (well, most of them) and ultimately fails to make anything with any depth. The film speeds through moments in Thatcher’s career like a nonchalant teenager flicking through his mate’s new Facebook album before turning back to Call of Duty, reducing important figures like Michael Heseltine to mere cameos – a fact made more unfortunate by the fact that this is the role expertly filled by Richard E. Grant, an actor I’m always happy to see more of. I'll admit to not being an expert on Heseltine, but with his minute or two of screen time, Grant sinisterly inhabits the role in a way so as to leave me expecting a scene in which Maggie interrupts him eating a baby or conjuring up a demon. Sadly, nothing this exciting ever happens. In fact, not much of any meaningful content happens, with events like the miners' strike, undoubtedly one of the most well-known points in Thatcher's career, limited to passing mentions and short newsreel clips. Cabinet minister Airey Neave is blown up and then instantly forgotten about, as are his attackers the IRA. As Mark Kermode sharply put it, this shallow narrative has "all the politics you’d expect from the director of Mamma Mia!".

Meanwhile, the film begins what promises to be a solid exploration of the troubles our anti-heroine faces due to being a woman, shunned out of a room of male politicians to be “with the ladies” after she has posed a threat to their masculine power, with the camerawork highlighting the differences between their dull black suits and her strikingly bright clothing. But this too, even with the payoff of Thatcher’s victory against the patriarchal sexism, never seems as well developed as it could be.

The portrait of the older Thatcher, with her dementia apparent through her hallucinations of Denis and her forgetfulness in interaction with daughter Carol (Colman), is effectively done and may even provoke a strong emotional reaction amongst those audience members who aren’t biased against the character, though, controversial subject aside, is nothing unseen before.

In general, however, The Iron Lady showcases various aspects of Thatcher’s life in a manner which doesn’t give any depth or detail to anything and is lacking in originality or character. There’s even a laughably familiar King’s Speech-lite training montage, as a voice trainer helps Thatcher prepare to run for party leader. I’m not saying that all of these elements can’t be combined effectively – The Aviator springs to mind as a biopic that combines a detailed overview of a career with a complex psychological study, I’ve heard that Oliver Stone’s Nixon is also good in this respect (and shall add it to my “films to see” list) – but the narrative flow of The Iron Lady is shallow and bland.

What could fix this? A longer running time, maybe – there’s more to be explored in her struggle to become Prime Minister and in her relationships with the likes of Howe and Heseltine (more Richard E, Grant!). A focus on one particular period of her life rather than a wide ranging, overly ambitious biopic perhaps could have worked, as it did for The Queen.

Nevertheless, as I said at the start, The Iron Lady’s appeal relies on its controversy. Despite its talented cast, it certainly doesn’t rely on its strength as a piece of entertainment.

A Gigantic Hound. And dogging.

2012-01-08T16:24:00.000-08:00

Billed with good reason as "Sherlock Holmes' most famous case", the latest episode of the BBC's Sherlock, Mark Gatiss' The Hounds of Baskerville, brings Arthur Conan Doyle's The Hound of the Baskervilles into the twenty-first century.

Sherlock and John are called to Dartmoor by Henry Knight's fascinating case; the murder of his father 20 years ago, the footprints of a gigantic hound, a secretive government testing facility. I'm not entirely convinced that this last element, a change from the centuries-old household conspiracy of the book, was entirely necessary - but big household conspiracies are so eighteen-eighties, you say? Are they? Are they really? I think that more of the original setting could have worked - but it does allow the episode to play with the fear of "what the government are up to", which should keep the conspiracy theorists happy for a bit. As always, it's the little touches that reference the original that are the highlights of the episode - Grimpen Minefield, for example, providing a much more visually dramatic ending than a boring old Mire, and the new explanation for the 'mysterious lights on the moor' red herring was delightfully funny.

A problem I have with the episode relates to how the novel makes it seem very much like, in classic detective fashion, the butler did it, until the reveal that, actually, he didn't. In fact, Hound is one of Conan Doyle's best stories in terms of tricking the reader into suspecting one character while cleverly setting up for the actual criminal to be uncovered. This element is present in the episode, with Doctor Stapleton being built up as the villainous genetic manipulator (how could she do that to a rabbit?) until the twist that it was the jolly eccentric fanboy all along. This really could have been developed more, however, and some more red herrings pointing at Stapleton were needed to replicate the novel's misdirection. Perhaps the scenes with Lestrade, who, despite appearing briefly in the book, feels like an unnecessary addition here, could have been replaced with some further development of this part of the story. Well done to Mark Gatiss, however, on changing which character turns out to be the criminal, which makes the plot developments less guessable to those familiar with the story.

Another thing Gatiss should be praised for, as well as director Paul McGuigan, is effectively bringing to the screen the eerie gothic horror of the Conan Doyle story, with some very atmospheric sequences. The Dartmoor hills, a nice change from the regular London setting, are shown in beautiful long shots in the daytime but come to life in a genuinely spooky manner at night. The CGI hound won't be to everyone's taste, but I feel it comes together with the fog and the darkness and the trees and the howling to make me never want to go to the countryside again. Ever. Good job I've just moved back into York.

I don't really need to say that Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman were brilliant, because that's obvious by now. I do need to say that Russell Tovey was also great as Knight, driven to madness by his fear of the hound.

Immediately after watching the episode, I honestly felt slightly dissappointed that it wasn't quite as perfect as I'd hoped. Then again, even the worst episodes of Sherlock exceed any other detective shows on televison in terms of quality, and I'd admittedly built myself up for it a tad too much. It isn't without its flaws and I don't think it's quite up to the standard of some of Sherlock and John's previous adventures (nothing can ever beat A Study in Pink), but, all things considered, The Hounds of Baskerville stands up as a good modernisation of a classic and as a clever, enjoyable detective story in its own right - one I'd be happy to rewatch.

One more criticism: the 'people think Sherlock and John are a couple' joke has been done enough now. Can we leave that one? The 21st century is more open to homosexuality than Victorian England. I get it.

Next week: Steve Thompson does The Final Problem. I don't want to be pessimistic, but it's not a brilliant story and Thompson's work so far has failed to leave a great impression: the weakest episode of the last series of Sherlock and a particularly shit Doctor Who. Then again, I'm up for being proven wrong. *gets stupidly excited for more Cumberbatch already*

A Study in Sherlock

2012-01-04T10:39:00.000-08:00

“When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

When announcing in the preface to His Last Bow, the final collection of Sherlock Holmes stories, that Holmes’ adventures “must cease and he must go the way of all flesh, material or imaginary”, Arthur Conan Doyle most likely found it improbable that the great detective would be as popular as ever over a hundred years later. Yet, I have seen the evidence eliminating the impossible theory that Holmes has such ceased in the form of two new adaptations – the first episode of the new series of the BBC’s Sherlock and Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. Not only that, but both are follow-ups to successful previous screen adventures, proving the truth that Holmes remains a popular hero in the twenty-first century. OK, so that link was a bit contrived, and Conan Doyle definitely couldn’t have predicted the TV and film adaptations, being a Victorian gentleman and all that, but I do love that quote.

In fact, I love Conan Doyle’s works in general. I read them all not too long ago after buying a box set (is it still called that when they’re books?) for amazingly good value (I highly recommend a company called The Book People, my mum's a member of their catalogue book discount club thing) and thoroughly enjoyed the escapism offered by the timeless adventures of Holmes and Watson. The joys of Conan Doyle’s stories lie not only in the cleverly plotted mysteries but also in the fantastical eccentricity of Holmes and his interaction with the down to earth Watson and the comparatively incompetent police.

As wonderful as they are, a direct adaptation of Coney D’s stories would struggle to work on a modern screen. They lack the length, generally being very short stories, or visual interest, often with half of the thing being a conversation in the main chamber (what’s Victorian for living room?) of 221B Baker Street. Also, some of the attitudes in the Holmes stories may seem a tad dated today (racist caricatures in The Sign of the Four and The Three Gables come to mind, although The Yellow Face was remarkably progressive for its time, ending with a white man accepting a black child into his household, and I can’t be arsed getting into the whole Irene Adler argument again). While Jeremy Brett’s 1980s ITV stint as Holmes is undoubtedly the best in terms of accurately following the original stories, even these had to flesh out and dick around a bit to make them work (generally very well, from what I've seen) for a TV audience. Thus it is necessary for adaptations to take a liberty or twenty and it’s interesting to compare the different approaches to the Holmes canon.

A Game of Shadows is very much Sherlock Holmes as an action movie. Whereas its 2009 predecessor, imaginatively titled Sherlock Holmes, used an entirely original story, Ritchie’s film takes Conan Doyle’s The Final Problem and moulds it into an action packed chase across nineteenth century Europe, with armchair deductions replaced by really massive cannons and an energetic gunfight on a railway carriage. While this of course angers Doyle purists who’d rather jump down the Reichenbach Fall than see this explosive Hollywood-isation of their eccentric British hero, the film certainly makes for an enjoyable, visually spectacular ride and is directed with an impressive cinematic style. Despite the Matrix-esque bullet time getting slightly over the top during one notably forest-based chase, as an action film with a cinematic budget, I can’t say A Game of Shadows isn’t fun. But does it sacrifice too much of the intellect of Doyle’s stories? Honestly, yes, I think it does. While the first film’s plot didn’t stray too far in that, alongside the action set pieces, it had a complex and relatively clever (for a blockbuster, anyway) mystery plot befitting the character, the second, despite the influences of The Final Problem, is perhaps too much action, too little conversation (Ritchie should stop listening to Elvis) to be a great Sherlock Holmes story.

The BBC’s Sherlock, meanwhile, created by Doctor Who’s Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss, takes the original stories and places them in twenty-first century London. This second series promises modern retellings of three of Holmes and Watson’s most famous cases and kicked off with A Scandal in Belgravia, which is A Scandal in Bohemia adjusted for the fact that Bohemia doesn’t exist any more. After a satisfying resolution to last series’ cliffhanger, the first half hour of the episode was pretty much an exact retelling of the original story, with many elements retained – Holmes’ priest disguise, Watson’s call of fire – and many nice modern details added in – the offending pictures being on a camera phone (and sexual in nature, of course), helicopters, a lesbian. The rest of the episode was Moffat’s own creation and, while some elements did stretch credibility at points (the plane full of dead people, for example – then again, the original stories were far from realism), the plot came together nicely, with constant twists and turns that Sir Arthur would have been proud of. It was nice to be reminded that Moffat can write a good, well-structured story after the disappointing mess that was the recent Doctor Who Christmas special*. The series is also notable in showing Guy Ritchie that a Holmes screen story doesn't need to be overflowing with action set pieces to look nice, as it's directed in an exciting manner that looks beautiful (Benedict Cumberbatch’s face helps), keeps the attention through clever editing (the montage of cases at the start of Scandal was marvellous) and fits with Sherlock’s fast thinking (the use of on-screen text as he analyses people is a genius move). This visual style works on a TV budget and, in contrast to the movie’s, not only allows for, but also complements, Conan Doyle-esque complex and clever plotting.

What the creators of both adaptations fortunately seem to understand is that the most important element of Conan Doyle’s stories is in fact not the mysteries, but Holmes and Watson themselves. In his narratives, Watson often spends a lot of pages on describing living with Holmes – Holmes annoys Watson by analysing the doctor’s pocket watch, Holmes annoys Watson by taking cocaine, Holmes annoys Watson by carrying out smelly scientific experiments, Holmes and Watson are really quite good friends and share some nice pork (not a euphemism - there never was, and never should be, any hint of a sexual relationship between Holmes and Watson, though Sherlock's repeated joke of people thinking that there is is admittedly apt and funny), etc. It is therefore important to choose the right actors to convey the central relationship and not have a dry focus on plot alone.

A Game of Shadows stars Robert Downey Jr. as Holmes and dashing heartthrob Jude Law as Watson. The two are undoubtedly very talented and certainly have the looks for mainstream cinema (though Downey Jr. is bordering too much on being handsome in a conventional manner for my liking, and that's not right at all!). The bickering between them is often amusing, with Watson’s anger at thinking that Holmes has killed first his dog and later his wife providing comic highlights, though the relationship is more buddy movie than Victorian literature. Holmes is presented as more of a bohemian swashbuckler than a cold intellectual, which fits with the tone of the film but once again strays dangerously far from the original. Is this a problem? I’m no obsessive purist and believe that Ritchie should be able to do what he wants with the characters; indeed, in some respects, it works in combining the heroes of a typical action-packed buddy movie with a good degree of the intellectual pomposity of Holmes to create a fun and indeed unique relationship, though I’d personally prefer to see more depth to the characters.

Sherlock stars Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock and Martin Freeman as John (notice the use of first names – how modern). Despite (or partially because of?) not having the same A-list status (yet Freeman’s nearly there, as the ridiculously early marketing campaign for The Hobbit keeps reminding us), these two are a perfect fit. Handsome yet eccentric, Benny C conveys the devotion to reason, apathy and arrogance of Holmes like he was born to play the part, while his mind games with Irene Adler, like those with the taxi driver in 2010’s A Study in Pink, hint at a greater depth to the character, as he seems to darkly enjoy the challenge of confronting a dangerous intellectual equal. Plus, he looks darn fine in that coat. Freeman, meanwhile, is equally excellent; as ever playing the everyman role he became known for with The Office to perfection, but with an utterly convincing undercurrent of darkness absent from Law’s version; whereas the film’s ‘Watson attacks Holmes’ scene was played for laughs (not badly), Freeman’s John attacks Sherlock in a way that is simultaneously funny and chilling – “I was a soldier, I killed people.” “You were a doctor!” “I had bad days” – and sums up the unusual relationship between the two brilliantly.

In terms of the presentation of the lead characters, Sherlock wins.

I would, however, like to praise the supporting cast of A Game of Shadows, one of the film’s best features. Stephen Fry is a perfect fit for Mycroft’s dry humour and powerful erudite presence, while Mad Men’s Jared Harris makes for an excellently sinister Moriarty. The fantastic Noomi Rapace was poorly used as a somewhat clichéd gypsy-come-Victorian Bond girl. Back to the BBC, and though Gatiss’ Mycroft works well with Cumberbatch’s Sherlock, I’m yet to be convinced by Andrew Scott’s more youthful version of the criminal mastermind Calling him "Jim" instead of "James", never mind "Professor J. Moriarty" is also a bit too far with the informalities. Jim is not an evil name. Lara Pulver was very good, giving a nuanced performance as a twenty-first century (i.e. sexy, inevitably) Irene Adler.

Though I enjoyed both of these adaptations, I feel that the BBC’s is by far the superior Holmes, combining a fast pace and superb visual style with non-stop clever plotting and perfectly delivered humour. The way it retains a good deal of the atmosphere and style of Conan Doyle’s stories while being as contemporary as television can be, with the focus on the London criminal underworld and an unusual friendship between two complex characters, is remarkable. As Moffat pointed out, "Conan Doyle's stories were never about frock coats and gas light; they're about brilliant detection, dreadful villains and blood-curdling crimes – and frankly, to hell with the crinoline.” A Scandal in Belgravia followed this format expertly, set the standard for 2012 in television and probably won’t be beaten. Until next week’s episode that is** –

"Mr. Holmes, they were the footprints of a gigantic hound!"

*As I never got around to doing a full review: liked Claire Skinner, liked Bill Bailey, liked the Doctor being funny, the plot was horribly all over the place, ARGH that emotion-based plot resolution again.
**Mad Men season five also stands a chance.

My Top 10 Films of 2011 (now with "worst film" bonus feature!)

2012-01-01T17:25:00.000-08:00

I've written up my top ten films of the year for this Film Pilgrim feature (it's worth reading for interesting insights from my fellow writers*). Here's my list, with bonus content of the year's worst film.

10. Le Quattro Volte

A beautifully engaging Italian film; goats, trees, charcoal and stunning photography are a molto bene combination!

9. Super 8

A solid Spielbergian homage, blending thrilling sci-fi action with a good sense of humour; one of the most accomplished and all-round entertaining films of the summer.

8. Life in a Day

An uplifting study of humanity. Moving and profound. It’s hard to describe this successful experiment in words; it simply has to be seen.

7. 127 Hours

I love how the exciting cinematography and a great performance from James Franco come together to make a compelling film out of what could be a tediously uninteresting story. Surprisingly realistic bloody amputations are always nice, too.

6. Senna

Documentary at its finest, Asif Kapadia gathered an impressive amount of footage of Formula 1 driver Ayrton Senna and structured it into a detailed, immersive, tragic narrative that can capture the attention and emotion of those (myself included) who know nothing about the sport.

5. The Fighter

This dark character study is up there with the best sports movies. Excellent and believable performances from Wahlberg, Leo and Bale are the highlights.

4. Drive

Extremely violent, extremely gripping, yet strangely artistic modern noir. Ryan Gosling is wonderful (and broodingly sexy), ditto Carey Mulligan (replace ‘broodingly’ with, err, ‘innocently’).

3. True Grit

There aren’t a great amount of Westerns these days, but this one is amazing. The Coens’ beautiful cinematography makes the Old West stunning yet bleak and dangerous. Splendid cast, especially the young Hailee Steinfeld. Plus, you can't go wrong with lots of silly moustaches and a man dressed as a bear.

2. The King’s Speech

A strong drama with a great cast, worthy of all the awards it received (except Best Director, which should have gone to Fincher).

1. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Tense, suspenseful thriller with so many perfectly cast top quality actors given interesting, deep characters to explore. Excellent, brilliant, wonderful. Bring on the Oscars. So good that "ginger gay Benedict Cumberbatch" is not even my favourite part.

Worst Film of 2011: Sucker Punch

Despite featuring giant samurai, German steampunk zombies, dragons and robots, a remarkably boring film, with absolutely no character depth. Or characters. Just sex objects with guns. And worst of all, it wastes Jon Hamm (then again, so did Bridesmaids).

*I'm not even contractually obliged to say this, you know.

10 things I've learned at university

2011-12-22T09:59:00.000-08:00

Hello, blog. Sorry I’ve been away. University happened. I was busy.

Here’s what I’ve learned over my first term:

1. York is wonderful*. It’s a really nice place. Lovely architecture, lots of ducks and a nice market. There’s a variety of cultural events for intelligent/pretentious folk such as myself. I enjoyed the Aesthetica short film festival (where I met the writer and director of Cleaning Up, an excellent comedic thriller starring Mark Gatiss) and the Railway Museum (which some friends and I visited on my birthday, in true crazy student style).

2. York is disgusting. I don’t like showering in hard water; Lancashire’s softer approach to H2O makes my hair feel so much nicer. Strange blue dirt keeps appearing all over my room. And some of the nightlife opportunities are of very questionable hygiene. I think one floor surface in particular may have given me AIDS.

3. My degree is great. Everything about it is impressive. The Department of Theatre, Film and Television’s new £24 million building, having lectures in a cinema, the mix of theoretical and practical study, the experienced teaching staff (especially the uniquely charming science fiction author Philip Palmer, whose disregard for the actual course structure and the concept of pacing I shall miss in next term's seminars. Here's a favourite quote from him: "Define dogging. (to rest of class) I know what it is, I just want to hear him say it." It made sense in context), the guest lectures (particularly Pop Idol creator Alan Boyd and his anecdote about taking a lion into the offices of FOX). Alles Wunderbar.

4. My degree is unimportant. My timetable’s generally on the verge of overflowing, yet a significant proportion of this is unrelated to my degree. I’m an active member (Assistant Production Director, in fact – Ass Prod for short) of the student TV station, am co-writing a comedy sketch show episode with my old double act, Apple and Grape, and am still persevering in my ongoing struggle to learn German. I’m quite proud of being called the “busiest person on the planet” by a third year student. Plus, I’ve even tried my hand at this little thing called “socialising”…

5. Students are cool. I’ve made lots of new friends, which is nice. They even made me cake, which is very nice.

6. Students are shits. Shut the fuck up out there, I'm trying to sleep. Clean up after yourself in the fucking kitchen. There are indeed advantages to living in a small family.

7. I’m a good film nerd. Well, I’m working on it, and the classic films shown as part of my degree are helping. I’ve developed a particular love for 1950s science fiction B-movies. Having watched The Day the Earth Stood Still and written an essay on Invasion of the Body Snatchers, I was looking forward to a screening of Forbidden Planet (supporting a lecture about adaptation). It was even better than I’d imagined and I can officially deem it the most fantastic film ever. It's 1950s sci-fi crossed with The Tempest, Leslie Nielsen and a tiger. Not forgetting the subconscious invincible gorilla. Amazing.

8. I’m a bad film nerd. I haven’t really had time to go to the actual proper cinema that much and appear to have missed out on several of the season’s biggest releases. Cue panic when the Film Pilgrim, for whom I still write (and have been neglecting almost as much as this blog) ask me for my top ten films of the year. I’ll post a link to what I scraped together when it’s up.

9. I’ll take any excuse to neglect my blog. Especially if it’s “I’m really busy being at university”. Sorry. There’ll be at least one more post over the Christmas/New Year period and maybe I’ll even attempt to do one or two when I’m back in York.

10. Merry Christmas! What’s that? That’s not a thing I’ve learned? Don’t be such a Scrooge.

*11. I use the word 'wonderful' too much these days. I shall try to phase in a few more instances of 'fantastic', 'brilliant', 'fabelhaft' etc.

Doctor Who Series 6B - my thoughts

2011-10-04T11:43:00.000-07:00

With a marvel of scheduling so perfect that either proves that I am on the BBC's radar or is a total coincidence, series six of Doctor Who finished this week, the last weekend before I jet off to York for my university adventures. Steven Moffat's second series finale, The Wedding of River Song, closed off the second half of the split series by answering some questions and posing others for episodes to come. As I haven't written about Who on here since June's A Good Man Goes to War, let me take you on a trip through time (the last six weeks, to be precise) as I discuss what I will insist on calling series 6B.

After 6A's dramatic cliffhanger, 6B kicked off with the Doctor returning to Amy and Rory to report that "actually, I can't find your daughter" in a post-cliffhanger about-face reminiscent of Amy's "actually, I'm not pregnant" in Day of the Moon. But, like when it turned out that Amy was indeed sort of pregnant, the Doctor did indeed sort of find Melody. Then she shot the TARDIS and then they went to Germany and then Hitler shot her and then she regenerated into River Song and then the Numbskulls dicked around with time a bit. Typically madcap and complex Moffat fare. While there was some nice development of the series arc and the relationships between the main characters, Let's Kill Hitler was, like Moffat's previous episode, severely flawed - it made the classic mistake of "not enough Hitler". The Indiana Jones-esque mocking of the Führer was one of the highlights of the episode - "Rory, take Hitler and put him in that cupboard" – but, by focusing entirely on the unique family unit the Doc’s got going on, the episode didn’t make good enough use of its setting, which seemed to become arbitrary after the first fifteen minutes. Other than that, Let’s Kill Hitler was an enjoyable and imaginative re-entry point for the series, with an effective emotional element.

In between the Moff's major episodes came a series of four standalone stories. Mark Gatiss' Night Terrors, a spooky, atmospheric and emotional tale, was his best episode yet. The story of the Doctor and co. making a house call to help a cowardly little child who banishes all of his fears into his bedroom cupboard was reminiscent of 2006’s Fear Her, except at the opposite end of the quality spectrum to that abominable pile of cack. It was also a visually very nice episode - who knew that a grotty, impoverished council flat block could look so stylish? One of the highlights was when the TARDIS materialised and was reflected in a puddle - beautiful shot composition from director Richard Clark (incidentally, the highlight of Fear Her (i.e. the only good bit) was also the TARDIS materialisation, a comedic moment where the Doctor nearly walks into a wall). There were only two downsides to Night Terrors. Firstly, I would have liked a bit more explanation as to how the kid was making people disappear. His powers were a bit too extraordinary and mysterious for my disbelief suspension circuits to function. Secondly, I didn't much care for the awkward "don't forget the story arc - the Doctor's going to die!" shot of the computer monitor at the end. It was like The Curse of the Black Spot - plastering on the same cliffhanger as the previous week as if that makes it part of an ongoing story.

Next came Tom MacRae’s The Girl Who Waited, which was among the best, if not the absolute best, of series 6. With Amy trapped in an alternate time stream on an alien quarantine facility, this episode, effectively minimalist in terms of cast and set design, explored one of the potential dangers of life as the Doctor’s companion. It had inspired sci-fi elements bolstering an emotional and intelligent story, and particularly excellent performances from Karen Gillan and Arthur Darvill. Plus, Rory did look nice in those glasses.

Describable as “The Shining, in space, with a minotaur”, Toby Whithouse’s The God Complex was good, though not as good as the previous two weeks. The guest characters trapped in a mysterious hotel with the TARDIS crew were nicely developed and the minotaur was cool (nice to see a “man in a suit” villain instead of CGI; same applies for that scarily realistic gorilla). However, the resolution to the plot, revolving around the Doctor making Amy lose her faith in him by getting her surname wrong, thus killing the minotaur, was a bit of a mess. This episode also saw Amy and Rory being abruptly kicked out of the TARDIS, never to return again (except for the next two episodes, and probably the Christmas special and next series). This final scene was poignant and well acted. Bye bye Ponds! Despite all of its weaknesses, the one defining moment of The God Complex was the one line of dialogue that is undoubtedly the funniest line of the series - "look at the detail on that cheese plant!" I’m not sure why, but that one gets me every time.

Gareth Roberts’ Closing Time, reuniting the Doctor with Craig from last year’s The Lodger, was another great, albeit flawed, episode. The wonderful chemistry between Matt Smith and James Corden, as the Time Lord and the stressed father from Colchester encountered the Cybermen in a department store, led to a plethora of funny moments. The fight with the Cybermat in particular was one of the best comedy sci-fi fights I've seen in a long time, with a perfect mix of slapstick and danger. It’s a shame that the later showdown with the Cybermen was nowhere near as good. Craig blowing up the Cybermen “with love” was the third plot out of the previous four to be resolved by the concentrated application of emotion, which to me was the point at which this annoying trend became unacceptable. The episode ended with the Doctor, Stetson donned and blue envelopes gathered, heading off to face his death, while his assassin River Song was being forced into a certain spacesuit…

And that brings us to the finale. While The Wedding of River Song has divided opinions, I personally loved it. With the Doctor finally having to face his execution by the shores of Lake Silencio, so many cool moments were packed into just 45 minutes - Long hair Doctor (better than short hair Doctor)! Churchill! Eye patches! Future Viking alien! Rory dressed as Naked Snake! A robot with an Irish accent controlled by a man with a Scottish accent! Silurian! Stetson! Dickens (I bet acclaimed star of stage and screen Simon Callow was thrilled when he got the script for his big Who return)! Egypt! Dorium’s head! A train! Yes, all of this, lots more, and many emotional moments for the Doctor, yet the episode never seemed badly paced or rushed. I did predict the resolution to the mystery of the Doctor’s death (including the description of the Teselecta in the "PREVIOUSLY" montage gave it away), but I don't care, because it made sense and didn't rely on using emotion to blow stuff up. A very cleverly written and ambitious finale, with a variety of memorably striking imagery, The Wedding of River Song was an exciting thrill ride and a perfect development of the relationship between River and the Doctor.

I think that’s all the episodes reviewed. Oh, hang on, there was that mini one written by some lucky kids in the last ever Doctor Who Confidential. It was shit, obviously, but the kids must have been happy to see their script come to life. Bring back Doctor Who Confidential!

All things considered, I like Steven Moffat’s style of Doctor Who more than his predecessor Russell T Davies’. The continually developing mysteries keep the viewer guessing even after the series has ended and the imaginative storylines are effectively developing the character of the Doctor, played with a fantastically alien quality by Matt Smith. I also like how both of Moffat's finales have managed to have an impressive sense of scale, both in terms of the threat to the universe and of personal effect on the heroes, while not relying on RTD's trope of "another Dalek invasion, with more Daleks than last year". As I said about the Cybermen in A Good Man Goes to War, I like how Moffat is giving all the major factions of the Whoniverse occasional appearances, like the Dalek in The Wedding of River Song, which make them feel more like connected parts of a complete mythos. One problem with series six’s arc was that the placement of the standalones, as brilliant as many of them were, sometimes felt a bit awkward; in 6A, the TARDIS crew gave up on looking for the child in America, the mystery they had originally been investigating, to go off and “have some adventures”, while in 6B, the Ponds seemed for a while to forget that they have a child somewhere. In this respect, series five had more of a consistently balanced story arc than this year. Nevertheless, I can’t wait to see where Doctor Who goes next. As much as I like the Ponds, I think their story has been drawn to a close and would like to see a new companion or two next year. Not that they can’t appear every once in a while, like their time travelling daughter, whom we’ll also undoubtedly see again. I just hope the Stetson returns. Stetsons, like Doctor Who, are cool.

City of the English Aviator 2: The God Within

2011-09-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

This long summer is nearly at an end and I'm well into preparing for moving to university, having been to both Ikea and Musbury Fabrics. Sufficient kitchenware and bedding is thoroughly in my possession. However, while many of my peers seem to have already started their university adventures, York's term begins peculiarly late, so I've been spending my time productively by watching films and then writing about them. Here are some pieces I've done for The Film Pilgrim.

City of God Blu-Ray Review

A truthful study of crime with an unpredictable, thrilling plot, post-modern stylings and a bit of seventies rocking, City of God is like The Wire crossed with Pulp Fiction and a bit of Saturday Night Fever, in Brazil. Not to be missed.

The English Patient Blu-Ray Review

Overly long and overly sentimental, but held together by a few very strong performances, a complex and engaging plot and expertly poetic filmmaking.

The Aviator Blu-Ray Review

This touching, tragic and stylish biopic is both a masterful, meticulously detailed tribute to the Golden Age of Hollywood and an intelligent exploration of a deeply troubled psyche – not forgetting a worthy addition to any film collection.

That was three Blu-Ray reviews done in one week! I deserve a biscuit for that (as well as the free Blu-Rays).

Elite Squad 2: The Enemy Within Review

Far from easy watching, but is an expertly made portrayal of a society plagued by corruption as well as a thrilling, uncompromisingly gritty action experience and a recommended watch for anyone interested in world cinema.

I braved the Manchester riots to watch this film, you know. They made us exit the cinema via the secret Nandos service corridor.

On the off-chance that anyone reading this subscribes to Media Magazine, I have an article based on my EPQ essay "How did the Americanfilm industry respond to the Iraq war?" published in the online supplement to the September edition, although I'm not sure if it's up yet. I've definitely been paid, so it's all good, and I can call myself a professional film critic.

Yay, it's a gay Miracle Day

2011-09-16T07:50:00.000-07:00

Even compared to the entire run of its sister show, Doctor Who, Torchwood has been less than consistent. What started out as Russell T Davies' panic attack over not being allowed to put explicit gay sex into every episode of Who, thus creating an "adult" version that was less mature in themes than Sooty & Co. (the episode about a cloud of gas feeding on orgasms has been hard to forget for all the wrong reasons) turned into something actually quite good with 2009's five-part Children of Earth. The BBC obviously tried to recreate this actually-quite-good-ness with this year's Miracle Day, a ten-part series made in conjunction with US network Starz. Despite no-one in the UK having heard of Starz, this meant a bigger budget and a bigger scale. Because a bigger scale means it has to be better, right? (They also needed the bigger budget to fund John Barrowman's botox - he needs to not age for continuity purposes.)

The concept: one day, nobody dies. The next day, nobody dies. And the next. And the next. World population: a large, ever increasing number. As we're reminded at the start of every episode. This is bad, by the way.

Of course, the CIA, even with agents Rex Matheson (Mekhi Phifer) and Esther Drummond (Alexa Havins), are not going to be able to deal with this situation on their own. There are mysterious forces at work here. While The Doctor and UNIT are conveniently busy (respectively, family troubles and wondering why they haven't been invited back since Planet of the Dead), Captain Jack Harkness (Barrowman) returns from his showtunes tour of the galaxy, pops over to Wales, finds Gwen Cooper (Eve Myles), blows up a helicopter, and there you have it; Torchwood are back together. Yay.

So, big concept, eh? The consequences of the Miracle were explored well, from the resulting financial meltdown to the problems of over-population and what to do with people who would normally be dead. The main problem with the series was the stretching of the plot over ten episodes - while I love the use of long form to tell slow-burning stories in many American series (have I ever mentioned that I like The Wire? Also, Treme, Dexter, Mad Men. Boardwalk Empire isn't bad), by episode two of Miracle Day it became apparent that maybe the writers had been a bit too ambitious. While the Torchwood team's investigations carried on at whatever pace was convenient, the episodes were padded out by the sub-plot of the week. Some potentially interesting and cool elements were introduced - the cult of "the soulless" vigilling their way around in silly masks, a hitman in a black suit and sunglasses, a hateful Sarah Palin-alike politician, and Ghostbuster himself Ernie Hudson as some sort of important executive man in a suit. Yet each of these plot elements appeared in one episode only. Yes, they wasted a Ghostbuster. The plot was quite a bit of a mess.

One sub-plot that was reasonably well developed was that of Oswald Danes. While my thoughts upon finding out that one of the new characters would be a convicted paedophile were along the lines of "Wow, Rusty must be getting near the end of his 'Things to put in Torchwood just because I couldn't put them in Doctor Who' list," the manipulative Danes was unique and strangely fun to watch. His attempted redemption led to a rather unusual cultural apotheosis, yet all he really wanted was death. And a prostitute. The fact that he was played by the wonderful Bill Pullman, on suitably sleazy form, made this character darkly believable and interesting.

Another highlight came in episode seven, almost entirely composed of a flashback to 1927. Jack visited 20s New York City and did exactly what anyone in their right media-saturated mind would want to do on a visit to 20s NYC - became involved in a smuggling ring and had an illicit gay affair with an Italian immigrant. He also got tortured a hell of a lot, perhaps one of the less desirable aspects of his trip, and encountered the only alien in the series, slotting in a nice reference to Who/Torchwood's mature spin-off, The Sarah Jane Adventures. It's always good to see more of Jack's past and this was a touching, tragic and deeply enjoyable love story, despite, typically for the series arc, being only very slightly relevant to the rest of the story.

Aside from these sub-plots, the main story did have its highlights. The opening episode was exciting, setting up the global events and the introduction of the main characters in an efficient manner. The middle section, where the truth behind the government's "overflow camps" was discovered, was tense and full of shocking twists. The development of Gwen's relationship with her family, as her father's heart attack lent a personal slant to the crisis for the heroine, as well as with Jack, was also a very well-implemented element, making the scenes where Gwen was ordered to betray Jack in order to protect her family particularly emotional. The conclusion was suitably dramatic and pulled the major plot strands together nicely, if a bit rushed, due to time being wasted on the hundreds of minor plot strands, and reliant on the kind of "science" we've come to expect from Russell T Davies. Miracle Day's variety of settings helped a lot, giving the show an impressively epic cinematic style - the climax in Shanghai and Buenos Aires would have lost a lot of its dramatic impact had the Blessing tunneled from Splott to Swansea.

Overall, Miracle Day was certainly an exciting and enjoyable series of Torchwood, with some solid exploration of the issues brought up by the Miracle as well as pleasing development of the main characters and a cinematic visual style. However, its messy plot structure and less developed sub characters render it inferior to the perfect political thriller that was Children of Earth.

≤30Mins - 30 Minutes or Less Review

2011-09-13T05:26:00.000-07:00

30 Minutes or Less, Ruben Fleischer's follow-up to his 2009 zom-com Zombieland, reunites the American director with star Jesse Eisenberg. ~~Zucker~~Eisenberg plays Nick, a lazy pizza delivery boy unhappy with his job who often struggles to meet the company promise of pizza delivery in 30 minutes or less (fitting with the theme of speed, let's say ≤30Mins). Unsurprisingly, his situation only worsens when Nick finds himself kidnapped, wakes up with a bomb strapped to his chest and is given ten hours to rob a bank before it detonates.

Centreing on the comedic rapport between not one, but two double acts - Nick and his friend Chet (Aziz Ansari) and dim criminals (diminals?) Dwayne and Travis (Danny McBride and Nick Swardson), the film doesn't get off to a fantastic start. The majority of the first act is made up of juvenile humour - you know the sort, people arguing over whose sister they've slept with, crude euphemisms for penises, et cetera - and fails to be funny. However, once the bomb vest is strapped on and the plot starts to move, ≤30Mins becomes punctuated by many actually very hilarious moments. The jokes come fast and many hit the right chords, obviously aimed at the typical 21st century nerd - topics for humour include the internet, 3D films, a very clever use of a laser pen and even a joke about "that's what she said" 'jokes'. Combining this with the fast pace of the direction, Fleischer clearly knows his youthful target audience and it pays off, giving the film a contemporary yet intelligent and unpatronising style.

The cast are, in general, one of the major downsides of ≤30Mins. The majority of the cast, particularly Ansari and McBride, are more than a bit wooden in terms of conveying any form of realistic emotional character. I also don't like Ansari's shirt. On the other hand, there were never going to be any Academy Awards for Best Actor going to this kind of light-hearted comedy and this is not a major problem if the jokes are to your tastes. In contrast to his co-stars, however, Eisenberg shines in his first screen role since getting nominated for that aforementioned Oscar with The Social Network. Hollywood's go-to guy for young nerds shows that he can pull off the role of a comic hero effectively, giving Nick the right mix of laziness and energy, cleverness and pitiability, and a little bit of comedic pathos to boot.

≤30Mins is an enjoyably energetic little comedy that doesn't push any boundaries and is far from the greatest comedy you'll ever see, but, especially if modern geek culture is your kind of thing, is worth watching for the sporadic laugh out loud, roll on floor laughing, laughing your fucking arse off moments. I only literally carried out the first of those three actions, but that's quite funny enough.

Nicolas Cage can act? - Leaving Las Vegas

2011-08-17T18:21:00.000-07:00

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Nicolas Cage can't act. Some of his films (Matchstick Men) have a sharp enough plot to make the manic overacting sort of watchable. Some (Face/Off, The Wicker Man, Season of the Witch - OK, maybe most of his films) are just plain awful. This video sums up his "acting" style nicely. It is for this reason that my family refuse to watch Nicolas Cage films and for this reason that I made Leaving Las Vegas into tonight's late night viewing. After all, I remember hearing somewhere that it's one of his least bad films, whatever that accounts for.

Imagine my surprise, then, to find out that Nicolas Cage can act. No, really.

Cage plays alcoholic screenwriter Ben, who, having been fired from his job, burns his possessions and his memories (perhaps the film's saddest element is the burning photograph of Ben with wife and son, never to be mentioned again) and heads to Vegas, intending to drink himself to death. There he meets prostitute Sera (Elisabeth Shue) and falls in love, in a tragically doomed manner befitting such a screw-up.

With its noticably low budget, Leaving Las Vegas hinges on the performances - so it's a good job that Cage, though he sometimes resorts to his typical über-crazed mannerisms (such as an early dance around a supermarket (sorry, grocery store) buying a trolley-full of booze), actually, in a good number of scenes, acts. It came as a shock, but his portrayal of an everyday man brought to the edge of despair, not by a ridiculous plot to steal his body parts in order to frame him for the murder of the president, but by his own personal vices, rarely without a bottle in his hand, is totally believable and, honestly, excellent.

Though Cage is not alone in being surprisingly good - Shue also gives a remarkably nuanced performance as the prostitute looking for comfort, lost in an urban hell, deluding herself that she is happy. It's such a shame that her career has gone nowhere since. I mean, Piranha 3D, really? Someone give this woman a job!

With the most depressing sex scene in existence, Leaving Las Vegas is a bleak modern tragedy, lit by the ominous neon glow of Vegas, eating away at souls and at wallets. Yet it is utterly compelling in its relentless and unforgiving tale of dependency, on alcohol and, for Ben and Sera, on each other.

Nicolas Cage can act. Crikey.

Check back here for "Michael Bay can direct", "Katie Price can put a sentence together", and "David Cameron can associate with the common man".

Aliens... why'd it have to be aliens? - Cowboys and Aliens review

2011-08-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

Continuing this summer's trend of unimaginatively obvious titles, there was good reason for my expectations for Cowboys and Aliens to be low, especially considering the forgettable, characterless action of director Jon Favreau's Iron Man films. Yet, as my screening approached, I did find myself optimistic - the merging of the two genres combined with the promising cast does give Favreau's science-fiction Western a fun appeal.

Jake Lonergan, a former outlaw and a gruff loner (the character names are almost as subtle as the film title), strolls into the dusty town of Absolution in true Western style. Not long after, alien spaceships attack the town and abduct residents, in true science fiction style, leading Jake to join the remaining townspeople in a quest to save their friends and, in true American style, shoot lots of things.

Cowboys and Aliens is at its best at the beginning, when Jake is becoming acquainted with the town of Absolution and its inhabitants, before dipping in excitement in the middle, as the tracking of the aliens perhaps goes on a bit too long, but peaks again at the exciting, if highly predictable, final battle sequences. The story can, as one would expect, be boiled down simply to "cowboys versus aliens, bang bang, yee-haw," but does, in fact, have quite a bit more depth. Many of the residents of Absolution are given their own memorable traits and sub-plots and everything is held together by a wonderful cast. While Daniel Craig pulls off the "silent, manly figure with a criminal past" role in a manner to rival John Wayne, Harrison Ford does his thing as Colonel Dolarhyde, an ex-military man who takes charge of the ragtag band of alien hunters. I like Harrison Ford when he's given the right role, and while this is far from his best, he certainly makes the character his own and does his Harrison Ford thing as only Harrison Ford can. Meanwhile, Olivia Wilde excels as a powerful and mysterious woman who joins the group, while the ever-reliable Sam Rockwell adds a bit of comic relief as a barkeeper inexperienced in battle yet determined to save his wife. Paul Dano (the young chap whose milkshake is drunk in There Will Be Blood) is also notable as Dolarhyde's cocky son, who arrogantly terrorises the townspeople but is repeatedly taken on and casually pwned (as the kids would say) by Lonergan, to hilarious effect.

All of these characters' characteristics and corresponding sub-plots are weaved together well, as are the two genres. Science fiction and Western conventions are mixed in a unique and effective manner (much more effective than that other sci-fi Western, Wild Wild West, which was not a good film, to put it lightly) - many, if not all, of the tropes expected from either of these genres are present. Consequently, Cowboys and Aliens does ramp up the clichés in places, but this is just what is needed in such a film, and, in fact, I think it could have been taken further. I'd have liked more of an influence from classic Westerns in the cinematography for example - it is filmed in a manner quite average for a summer blockbuster movie and, at times, I wished it were more expressive - some Sergio Leone-style sweeping vistas and extreme close-ups during showdowns could have been added to great effect.

With a talented cast and its plots and genres weaved together competently, Cowboys and Aliens is certainly worth watching, though by sticking to conventional Hollywood techniques and having too predictable a plot, is prevented from approaching its true potential.

(Video review coming soon)

A Short Summer-y

2011-08-06T09:28:00.000-07:00

I'm not far from being nearly half way through my ridiculously long summer holiday. The summer of doing lots of things, as my plans would tell you. Have I done lots of things? Yes! I've seen the sights (a bear being bullied by otters), I've lived the dream (baked a blackcurrant cake with my homegrown blackcurrants), I've hung out with the world's rich and famous (briefly met Anjli Mohindra off The Sarah Jane Adventures, Times columnist Caitlin Moran, and, as shown, Darth Vader), I've had my lows (a brief sink into existential despair, failing my driving test again), but I've had my highs (mostly caffeine highs - staying up late with a cup of tea and a DVD of a Coen brothers film).

Plans for the rest of summer - fix broken things, more books, more films, actually win at driving for once, go to Manchester Pride, avoid crowds and shit music as much as possible, go on holiday, enjoy wandering around a big boat for a week, make sure I'm prepared for uni, keep on rockin'.

Anyway, here are some links to articles I've done for various websites that aren't this one:

Film's 5 Most Horrible Bosses

It’s one thing to not let your employees have the day off over Christmas, but when those employees involve Kermit the Frog, that’s just despicable.

To tie in with the release of comedy Horrible Bosses, which is good. Also, my review here.

Manchester Comic Con report with Anjli Mohindra Q&A

The expo filled up quickly and, despite my usual annoyance with crowds, a plethora of fantastic costumes and free hugs gave the convention centre a fun and frivolous atmosphere.

For a The Sarah Jane Adventures fansite, hence some of the article being related to The Sarah Jane Adventures. Now edited to be less offensive to Craig Charles!

Sucker Punch DVD Review

Sucker Punch manages to become something that may not be one’s first thought upon hearing of a film containing giant samurai, German steampunk zombies, dragons and robots – boring. Zack Snyder is a hyperactive child, with a plethora of visual ideas but no attention span to do anything interesting with them.

Somehow, I got away with a triple Jon Hamm pun in this one.

Super 8 video review:

Super 8 - an exercise in retro-style (i.e. good) filmmaking

2011-08-03T08:57:00.001-07:00

Video review coming soon, when I've got the video editing machine working.

The new science-fiction adventure from J.J. Abrams, director of the recent Star Trek reboot and creator of Lost, Super 8 is an homage to the 1970s and 80s films of Steven Spielberg – ET, Jaws, Close Encounters, that kind of thing – and with Mr Spielberg himself producing, many of his tropes are notable – the 70s small town US setting, the child characters, the monster, the lovably cheesy emotional undertone.

Super 8 follows a group of kids who are producing an amateur zombie movie on Super 8 film (hence the title) when a train crashes quite dramatically rather close to them. After that, a series of mysterious incidents plague the town – power cuts, missing sheriffs, cars bouncing, dogs running away, the usual. Young Joe Lamb (Joel Courtney), still coping with the grief from his mother’s death in an unfortunate industrial accident, struggles to manage his loyalties between his friends, love interest Alice (Elle Fanning) and his father Jackson (Kyle Chandler), a police deputy determined to get to the heart of the curious goings-on. It’s quite clear to the viewer that the sinister Air Force types hanging around have been transporting some kind of alien and are trying to cover up their mess and there isn’t really much depth to the predictably evil Colonel Nelec (Noah Emmerich), but this element of the plot adds an extra layer of threat, enigma and, importantly, cheese.

This aside, Abrams really shows off his storytelling skill. The simple but enthralling storyline has emotional and dark undertones in its exploration of Joe’s grief for his mother. Unlike many contemporary sci-fi rubbish, Super 8 doesn’t overdo the action or CGI but makes the exciting adventure part of a strong and meaningful character drama. With intelligently framed shots, Super 8 is visually impressive in a way that reminds one of the Spielberg films it is inspired by without resorting to the kind of postmodern referencing that could draw the viewer away from the drama.

Another typical Spielbergian element that Super 8 picks up on is that it has a good sense of humour; the interaction between the young characters, including overweight Charles (Riley Griffiths) and explosives-obsessed Cary (Ryan Lee) leads to several funny and memorable lines – “Excuse me, can I have another order of fries? Because my friend here is fat.” This is helped by a young cast who portray their roles with energy, emotion and realism. Praise must especially be given to Courtney and Fanning, who is a lot less annoying than her sister was in War of the Worlds. The character of Joe’s father is also well developed, although I did keep wishing he was played by Dominic West – not only because West is a much better actor than Chandler but also because the character reminded me of McNulty. But that’s probably just me, linking everything I see to The Wire. Chandler’s probably not bad if you’re unaffected by Wire-itis.

Overall, Super 8 is no classic, but a solid Spielbergian homage with no major flaws to rant about. It’s one of the most accomplished and all-round entertaining films of the summer.

The Tree of Life

2011-07-19T10:30:00.000-07:00

The Tree of Life is the latest film from Terence Malick, director of Badlands, Days of Heaven, The Thin Red Line and The New World. This being his fifth film since 1973, Malick is a very sporadic director, if artistic – his films have been said to be about a search for identity and spiritual presence.

This statement is heavily reflected in The Tree of Life, especially in the characters of a couple played by Brad Pitt and Jessica Chastain as they deal with the grief following the death of one of their three sons. The film also features Sean Penn as one of the other sons, Jack, grown up and an architect in a contemporary cityscape. Jack stands around moodily reminiscing to his childhood. This childhood takes up the largest portion of the film, with young Jack (Hunter McCracken) struggling between two contrasting methods of parenting – his father (Pitt) is strict and controlling while his mother (Chastain) is more liberal and empathetic – the consequences of which are reflected in Penn’s discontent with the world.

All the leads, including Pitt and particularly Penn, give excellent performances. With the dialogue sparse, the bulk of the acting is in the non-verbal expressions, which they all manage in a brilliantly nuanced manner.

Even child actor Hunter McCracken is good – but with a name like that, I wouldn’t expect him to be in arty films like The Tree of Life. I hope to see this when he’s old enough to be an action hero.

But this family’s story is not all, of course. The narrative leaps around a lot, showing the Big Bang, the formation of planets and even dinosaurs. There’s an injured dinosaur and then another dinosaur comes along and nearly kills it but then doesn’t, which may or may not represent something along the lines of the birth of human kindness in the universe. It’s all linked together by the themes of life and spirituality and is all visually poetic, beautifully shot and deep, with meaning behind everything. I did really like the spacey universe sections. The dinosaur section, on the other hand, I felt was entirely pointless and didn’t add enough to the film, having no narrative connection to the main story of the family.

While a lot of the film is excellent, I did feel that it’s too long overall and at times becomes overindulgent and, dare I say it, boring. (Don’t give me any of that “Ooh, you just don’t get it, you uncultured swine” business – Le Quattro Volte was one of my favourite films of the year so far, and that was about the everyday lives of a goat and a tree. So there.)

There’s also a bit near the end where Penn’s Jack goes to what is probably meant to represent Heaven (though I find it funnier to interpret it as “Sean Penn’s acid trip”) and all the characters, dead and alive, are happily reunited and prance around hugging for what must be at least ten minutes. I wasn’t sure whether to throw up or have a nap.

The Tree of Life will be loved by some and hated by some. I’m in the middle, more inclined towards the loving side. It’s definitely not for Jurassic Park fans who’ve heard that it has dinosaurs in, but if you’re interested in the artistic side of film, it’s definitely worth a watch.

Review in video format for lazy illiterates:

Horrible Bosses DOUBLE Review (one of which is part of a different DOUBLE review)

2011-07-12T15:22:00.001-07:00

My last video review was immensely popular and at least two people have asked for more, so I shall give the people what they demand. If you don't want to hear my voice, I've done a more in-depth written version on The Film Pilgrim - my first review for the site, as part of a pair of two reviews with my fellow critic who had the opposite opinion. I'll make sure to disagree with people more often in the future. The video was actually recorded before writing this time, so it's not as scripted and wooden.

The Dude Abides

2011-07-10T11:14:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my previous post, I recently acquired, at excellent value, a box set of seven Coen brothers films. Perhaps I should be ashamed to admit that I hadn't actually seen five of these. I do, however, very much like the Coens' distinct style and these five were on (or have retrospectively been added to) my "films to watch" list. The first I watched was The Big Lebowski.

In this classic Coen comedy with a considerable cult following, Jeff Bridges plays Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski, an umemployed slacker who spends his spare time doing the usual - bowling, driving around, the occasional acid flashback. El Duderino (if you're not into the whole brevity thing), initially mistaken for a millionaire who shares his name and angered when mysterious thugs urinate on his favourite rug, is drawn into a Chandler-esque mystery when "The Big Lebowski" employs him to courier the money for his kidnapped wife's ransom.

Placing this slacker character into the detective role for such a plot structure, with His Dudeness solving the mystery though rarely putting in any effort, lends the film a wonderfully unique sense of humour with a plethora of quotable lines (hey, half of this review is made up of quotes), mixed with a light-hearted criticism of American values. This is exemplified by the supporting characters, most notably John Goodman's Walter, a Vietnam vet who specialises in reminding people that he is a Vietnam vet. John Goodman has the perfect face for playing an aggressive, racist Vietnam vet, don't you think? It's the large squareness.It's evident that the Coens wrote all the roles well with the particular actors in mind, even for seemingly minor characters: Steve Buscemi's dim Donny, John Turturros's sex offender bowling supremo Jesus and Phillip Seymour Hoffman's sycophantic butler Brandt are all iconic and memorable. As for Sam Elliott's stranger - his voice adds a unique cool to the narration. Whoever he is.

With the Coen brothers' typical combination of rich visuals with wry, ironic humour, The Big Lebowski is a cool and fun yet surprisingly meaningful comedy. I could write many pages about how it portrays the idea of what it means to be a hero and criticises American society.

Fuck it, let's go bowling.

A coherent narrative and some plusbrief thoughts about 1984

2011-07-09T10:25:00.001-07:00

As I mentioned two posts ago, I have a list of books and films to work through over the summer. I recently crossed Heat off the film section of the list, which, as I mentioned one post ago, I quite liked. See, there is an order to all this! Or, as Lyotard would call it, a metanarrative. Damn, I need to be more postmodern. Maybe I should go off on more tangents about complex theoretical concepts. Or I could be self-referential and reference the fact that I'm writing a blog in my blog.

Anyway, in order to accelerate my motion through this list, I recently went shopping. I bought several books and, accidentally (brain said "no thanks", mouth said "yes"), a HMV reward card. I also saw a Coen Brothers seven-film box set for £12, but didn't buy it for reasons I couldn't comprehend. Later, I regretted the madness of turning down such great value. Tormented over many sleepless nights by my own failure to carpe diem, I wondered whether the same box set was available on eBay. It was, for £11.24.
My mind is now at rest.

Out of my new collection of books, the first I read was 1984, George Orwell's famous dystopian vision of the future (which is now the past, but was the future in the more distant past) which serves as a stark warning against the dangers of a totalitarian government. My verdict: doubleplusgood.

I'm feelin' this Heat

2011-07-05T19:02:00.000-07:00

I’ve just watched Michael Mann's 1995 crime thriller Heat. Why have I not watched Michael Mann's 1995 crime thriller Heat before? It's excellent.

Al Pacino plays Vincent Hanna, an LA cop on the trail of a gang of thieves led by Robert De Niro’s Neil McCauley. But Hanna’s not without his own troubles, as his devotion to his work stretches his third marriage to breaking point, while his stepdaughter, who would grow up to be the Natalie Portman we know and love, is depressed due to being neglected by her real father. Meanwhile, McCauley falls for a woman he meets in a bar and is betrayed by a money launderer, one of his gang has a marriage as troubled as Hanna’s, another develops a taste for murdering prostitutes, and a man goes to work in a café (or should that be diner?) but his boss is strict. Yes, it’s detailed, but it’s long, and is one of those films that deserves to be long, as every subplot has depth and excitement, with them all coming together to create a masterful piece of storytelling.

Heat features two great actors at their best (anyone who’s had to sit through a Fockers film should watch this to be reminded what De Niro’s capable of). The chemistry between the two leads is marvellous in the few scenes they share, including the famous café scene where they share their troubles and loneliness with each other. The follow-up to this in the final scene, which I won’t spoil, is meaningful and touching. There really is more to these characters than cops and robbers.

This is by far director Michael Mann’s best film and Dante Spinotti’s cinematography is amazing, from the exciting action scenes to the simple beauty of the best scene of a car driving down an LA highway that can possibly ever exist.

Michael Mann's 1995 crime thriller Heat is now one of my favourite films ever.

(The best thing about running one's own blog is that one doesn't get in trouble for filing a review sixteen years late.)

Now what? - 2011 edition - with free Bridesmaids video review

2011-06-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

My A-level exams are over. Yet again, I am a free man. I have three whole months to spend however I like. Despite having failed in my numerous attempts to get a summer job, I am determined to spend this time as productively as possible. As of yet, there is no concrete plan as to how I will approach this challenge, but, as well as working through the list of books and films that I should have read and watched but haven’t (beginning with Once Upon A Time in the West, which is on Film4 tonight), there is a reasonable chance that my writings here will become more frequent.

As a little experiment, I’ve also decided to adapt my Bridesmaids review into a video version. So, if you enjoyed my previous review so much that you want to experience it again, this time with the addition of ridiculous facial movements that I didn’t realise I was making at the time, this is your lucky day:

As I mention in the video, there may be more such videos to come. We’ll see how nice the YouTube comments are.

Bridesmaids: A film with Jon Hamm naked in it

2011-06-22T06:42:00.000-07:00

Since I’m now a respected film critic, I get to go to free preview screenings, for free, before the films are actually released. Isn’t that nice? My first such free screening was to Bridesmaids, a comedy directed by Paul Feig and written by Saturday Night Live’s Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumulo. It was free. There were also free postcards on the chairs (don’t tell anyone, but I took two). Since someone else seems to have got an even more advance screening and has reviewed Bridesmaids for The Film Pilgrim before me (yet they were nice enough to give me free tickets anyway), I’ll enlighten my blog with my opinions.

Life isn’t going too well for Annie (Wiig): her bakery’s gone bankrupt, her on-off boyfriend (Jon Hamm) cares only about sex and, when she takes the role of maid of honour at her best friend Lilian’s (Maya Rudolph) wedding, she finds out that Lilian’s other best friend Helen (Rose Byrne) is richer, prettier and happier than her.

The script is often witty and there are plenty of funny moments throughout, playing on Annie’s frustration with life and her jealousy of her fellow bridesmaid. At times, the comedy is the style of “gross-out” humour that would be expected of a film such as The Hangover and, if this is to your taste, is done rather well. One scene in particular involving extreme food poisoning and extremely expensive clothing plumbed the crude depths of toilet humour yet caused many eruptions of laughter from the audience – personally I found this entertaining enough to keep my attention, though far from the peak of comedic endeavour. A major problem is that, at over two hours, these jokes are spread out over too long a time. I mean, really, who has that many pre-wedding parties? Oh, alright, who am I kidding, I’ve never had experience in being a bridesmaid and have no idea how these things work. But, for what it’s worth, I have been to a wedding and know that they can drag on a bit – as can this film.

Kristen Wiig holds the lead role well, presenting her character as flawed yet likable (probably more so to those more familiar with her everyday problems than I am). Although the way Annie develops is predictable, the audience can easily relate to her and share in her happiness at the times when things go well (or when she manages to one-up her rival Helen). The characters of the supporting bridesmaids, from the obese Megan (Melissa McCarthy) to the naïve Becca (Ellie Kemper) are all developed to a good depth, with distinct, sometimes funny, personalities, though none of the performances particularly shine.

There is a downside to this: ever noticed how the women in male-centric comedies tend to be bland stereotypes? This works in reverse here: the men of the piece are somewhat underdeveloped. Which is a shame, as Mad Men’s Jon Hamm, one of my favourite actors, is given too little screen time as Annie’s disgracefully sexist and self-centred lover Ted. The best actor in the film, handsome Hamm steals the three scenes he is in (one of which features him wearing clothes), but really needed a meatier role. One could say that the Hamm was undercooked. Ahem. Moving on, Annie is offered hope of a personal life better than the occasional “adult sleepover” with Ted (despite being Jon Hamm, he really is a dick) by Chris O’ Dowd, in the kind of role Hugh Grant would excel in if he were Irish and less posh. O’Dowd’s adorably dorky traffic cop is kind-hearted yet obsessive about his job - one of the funniest scenes comes when Annie deliberately breaks an increasingly dangerous series of road rules in order to get his attention. Familiar to viewers of Channel 4’s The IT Crowd, I found O’Dowd’s performance at times lacking emotional impact, but, overall, he is a promising talent in the world of comedy.

A lot of the praise for this film has come from the prominence of its female characters. As the first film to attempt this style of humour with a mainly female cast, Bridesmaids has been called the female equivalent of The Hangover. In this respect, the only other recent comedies to follow a group of women in a similar manner are the awful Sex and the City and its awful-er sequel, a film as offensive as walking into a Bar Mitzvah dressed as Hitler and with characters as likable as a paedophilic form of cancer, which makes Bridesmaids, in comparison, an excellent female-centric comedy. However, in a world of equality where we no longer care about the gender boundaries (and me being the idealist I am, my final opinion will be based in this world), Bridesmaids is no more than the average, conventional gross-out comedy. Though at times funny, the plot is predictable and Bridesmaids, while entertaining, is nothing to get too excited about.

One last aside: it’s nice how preview screenings don’t have twenty minutes of trailers. They only have one Odeon Digital promotional animation showing off the impressively high definition graphics accompanied by the slogan “Perfect picture, every time.” Or, on this occasion, they have a black screen accompanied by this slogan, followed by a cinema employee apologising because the Odeon Digital projector’s broken, followed four minutes later by the clip in its full form. Perfect picture. Every time. This was one of the funniest moments of the screening.

A Good Man Goes to War review

2011-06-04T17:19:00.000-07:00

Doctor Who hit its mid-season finale this weekend, which is a perfect opportunity for me to continue my series of reviews. Not that the other episodes weren't worthy of my opinions, I've been busy. Yes, that excuse again. Let's have a quick summary of the series, if you insist:

After a good start with the American-set two-parter, the series hit a bit of a slump with the painfully awful The Curse of the Black Spot. OK, Hugh Bonneville's pirate captain was badass and the explorations of the pirate characters worked, but the attempt to sci-fi-ify the pirate genre with a shit Siren that travels through dimensions using the mysterious portals we know as reflections was cringe-inducingly terrible (taking a creature from real-world mythology and making them into a space medical officer - what a bad idea). Neil Gaiman's The Doctor's Wife made up for this with a sexy TARDIS, sexy corridors and Michael Sheen, followed by the cleverly plotted, atmospheric, Blade Runner-esque The Rebel Flesh/The Almost People. The cliffhanger to these episodes was brilliant - while hinted at perfectly, I honestly did not see it coming and love how it solved some mysteries satisfyingly while setting up new ones. And this brings us to the mid-season finale, A Good Man Goes to War.

With Amy kidnapped and in labour, the Doctor and Rory set about building up a group of allies to infiltrate a Galactic Empire-style military base. This badass crew (sorry if you have things to do) allowed for some cool moments - I did like the welsh medic Sontaran (taking a creature from Doctor Who mythology and making them into a space medical officer - what a cool idea), the big fat blue man and the lesbian Victorian Silurian. However, I think the "everything but the kitchen sink" approach damaged the pacing and logic of the episode at times. What happened to the pirates after their 3 second appearance? Why did they take the small child off his life support and bring him into a battle with an army over 3000 years more advanced than his time? Why use the Spitfires when the pirates and the Judoon have spaceships? Why wasn't Captain Jack in the Doctor's army (this would have been the perfect opportunity for a Jack appearance)? Why didn't the Judoon do more?

Even the Cybermen made a small appearance, with Rory popping in on a Cybership to shout at them dramatically while the Doctor blew up the rest of their Cyberlegion. I did like this scene; it was visually very nice and shiny and Moffat's usage of the Cybermen in this way makes all the elements of the Whoniverse more connected - they're a continuing presence who don't just show up when they want to fail to take over Earth again. On second thoughts, this is the Doctor's second mass murder this series. He really should stop that, it's a bit out of character. (Ironically, Vastra later says "Demon's Run is ours without a drop of blood spilled". The Doc didn't tell her about this bit then.)

While all of these returning characters were appreciated, one new character I liked was the soldier Lorna Bucket. Having met the Doctor as a child, Lorna had joined the big space army (to use its technical name) in order to meet him again. When the army plotted to kill the Doctor, Lorna turned against them to help him. The scene where the Doctor pretended to remember who she was was particularly emotional and tragic, while her culture's usage of the term "Doctor" to mean "warrior" shined a new light on the Doctor in an uncomfortably dark way. (Bugger off, scientists, it's metaphorical.)

The scenes with Amy's baby were done well; they added a good amount of emotion and, through the Doctor's interaction with it, humour. The baby turning out to be Flesh mirrored last week's twist but not in a way that seemed repetitive; this was an unexpected turn which showed the fallibility of the Doctor while setting up plot development for the next half of the series and linking back to the events in America.

Of course, this being a Steven Moffat script, there were further complications to come. River Song vortex manipulated her way in while nobody was looking to deliver the final twist. The revelation of her identity as Amy and Rory's time-child, while cleverly hinted at, didn't have the same level of impact as last week's cliffhanger, I felt. Her entrance didn't seem to fit the story; it was just tacked on at the end for dramatic impact. I'm undecided on whether I like the truth about her identity or not, but it's certainly original and has a lot of dramatic potential and I'm interested to see where this is taken.

Admittedly, I did see the Melody Pond/River Song thing coming as soon as the baby's name was shown. But the usage of Lorna Bucket's forest language cloth and the link to the TARDIS's prophecy was very clever and added a redeeming feature to the rather ill-fitting revelation.

Despite this, there are a range of mysteries still surrounding River and fans will for some time continue to debate whom she killed in order to be sent to the universe's worst guarded prison (seriously, it took Boadie longer to escape from the young offenders' institution in The Wire and the main message of that show was how shit the 21st century authorities are, these are meant to be the 52nd century elite). Also, the mystery of the Doctor's death by astronaut remains to be solved - I admire how Moffat is stretching these mysteries across long periods of time (in terms of the episode schedule as well as the in-universe time); it adds tension as the viewers wonder what will happen next and beats RTD's "plot arc" style of mentioning Torchwood a lot in random situations.

The main actors all put in good performances; Matt Smith mixed the eccentric with the emotion perfectly while Karen Gillan and Arthur Darvill managed well the variety of emotions expected from a couple going through an... unconventional stage in their relationship. Rory's anger as he searched for his lost wife was rousing and affecting while Amy's screams as her baby melted were particularly chilling. Frances Barber as the villainous Kovarian was perhaps a bit too pantomime; maybe this will be resolved through further exploration of her character in future episodes.

A Good Man Goes to War had a lot of interesting plot development and some visually impressive moments, but the adventurous feel and distinct set pieces of the previous finale were lacking. Despite a lot of cool moments, I found it overall a tad underwhelming, but am still looking forward to the Doctor's return in autumn.

Speaking of which, the next episode has Hitler! Hooray, Nazis are fun villains! (I'm allowed to say that, aren't I? If not, watch Raiders and The Last Crusade again and you may change your mind.) I hope they get Bruno Ganz. Or Quentin Tarantino as guest director and it's Inglourious Basterds with added time travel.

So it's farewell to the TARDIS crew for now until we see them in autumn. I'm off to play these free video games from PSN (and revise for my A levels, of course).

The Impossible Day of the Moon Astronaut

2011-05-04T18:45:00.000-07:00

After an incredibly long wait of an entire four months since the charming Christmas special, Doctor Who returned to British television this April with the opening story of Matt Smith's second series as the universe's hottest Time Lord.

Series 6 opened, unusually, with a two part story. In The Impossible Astronaut and Day of the Moon, the Doctor, along with companions Amy, Rory and River Song, visited the United States of America, 1969, where they investigated mysterious phone calls to President Nixon and encountered a mysterious race known as the Silence.

Though this adventure had a self-contained story, with the heroes leading a revolution against the Silence, many dramatic plot elements were set up to be developed in later episodes. I feel that this is a strength of Moffat's era compared to the 'monster of the week' approach of the Russell T Davies years, with the inter-story mysteries (indeed inter-series, with the Silence having been hinted at throughout series 5) adding an extra layer of excitement. Day of the Moon ended with not one but three semi-cliffhangers hinting at exciting things to come and leaving questions in the viewer's mind. The Silence, seemingly being set up to rival the Daleks and the Cybermen for iconic status, may not have have reached this pinnacle yet but were indeed scary and unique - I can't wait for them to cross paths with the TARDIS crew again.

I enjoyed the character development in these episodes. The conversation where River opens up to Rory about the Doctor knowing her less every time she meets him was a particularly well-acted, emotional scene which showed that Doctor Song is more than just a catchphrase (it is starting to get annoying whenever she says "Hello, sweetie!" or "spoilers"). The romance between her and the Doctor is working for me much more than that between Rose and the Doctor ever did. She's in many ways his equal, a fellow explorer, with an air of mystery around her. Well done Steven Moffat; a few years ago I would have thought that a Doctor/companion romance could never work. Also, regarding the Doctor's awkwardness when she kisses him - he's an inspiration for socially uncomfortable nerds everywhere (David Tennant would have just gone for it, the suave populist bugger).

The main characters were generally acted quite well. Matt Smith has definitely become my favourite Doctor, with his eccentric mannerisms. I especially like his Sherlock Holmes-style moments of great detective work, such as working out exactly where in America the mysterious phone calls were coming from - the character of the Doctor should be about solving problems using intelligence rather than violence (that said, he did cause a bit of genocide, Mad Men style, at the end).

Amy's pregnancy (or non-pregnancy) is another intersting element added to the mix, with the negative consequence of inspiring hundreds of morons on the internet to come up with ridiculous theories regarding the baby. Personally, I think Amy will give birth to herself, which makes sense because of the timey-wimey, and then regenerate into Rory, thus becoming both of her own parents. The TARDIS crew hiding secrets from each other - not only this, but also having seen a future Doctor seemingly die - adds a gripping tension to the dynamic that's not been seen before.

There were a few weaknesses in the plot's structure. Although it's always nice to see a bit more naked Doctor, I don't see how the opening scenes of The Impossible Astronaut were at all relevant to the story. The Doctor helped some people escape from a concentration camp, which is a message through time making Amy answer the mysterious summons in her post? Hmm.

Also, the pace of the story made a few small details unclear. Could someone explain how Rory and River escaped from the tunnels? How did the Doctor eat, drink and, you know, toilet during those three months tied to a chair? Important stuff. Despite these occasional issues, I did find it impressive how many enjoyable moments were included in the two episodes.

Another possible criticism is that perhaps Moffat relied too much on his own tropes, things we'd seen before: the message on the wall, the Pandorica-alike prison box, the mysterious child's voice on the phone; all these elements did seem a tad unoriginal. Some may go as far as to criticise the repetitive use of complicated timelines in Moffat's recent episodes, but I quite like this - why shouldn't a show about time travel explore its consequences? OK, all this "timey-wimey" every episode may get tedious, but the next four episodes from other writers should give enough of a breather.

The setting of America was used very well. I highly praise director Toby Haynes for achieving some gorgeous wide shots of the Utah desert. With the story travelling to a variety of iconic American locations, this setting added an epic sense of style and grandeur which ensured the series kicked off memorably. Americana was well incorporated into almost every scene and the story drew from a variety of well-known American media - aliens resembling "grays", a haunted orhanage, one scene reminded me of The Silence of the Lambs, another of Mad Men - Doctor Who plagiarism-lite at its best! The guest cast that this setting allowed was awesome, especially Mark Sheppard as Canton (I knew he was gay long before it was revealed, by the way) and the crazy orphanage man. Also, it turns out that Richard Nixon works surprisingly well for comedy, being the centre of some of the story's genuinely funny moments (well done if you picked up on the subtle joke where the Doctor inadvertently causes the Watergate scandal).

As a series opener, The Impossible Astronaut and Day of the Moon perhaps lack some of the originality and fairytale quality of last year's The Eleventh Hour, which remains my favourite opening story, but nevertheless are an eclectic bag; fast-paced with funny moments, scary moments and, indeed, moments of emotional reflection, amongst constant changes of setting. This worked splendidly well to draw in the viewer and get the series off to an exciting start, though I would like to see a change of pace in future episodes, with deeper exploration of a variety of settings. Thus, while I thoroughly enjoyed the opener, I am avidly looking forward to The Curse of the Black Spot. A base under siege story - with pirates! Yo ho ho!

I'm a bit of a writing whore.

2011-05-03T07:20:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. I'm cheating on my blog with another website and am now a member of the team writing for The Film Pilgrim. Please forgive me, blog. So far I've written a few news articles, but then I found I had a large amount of spare time over this pointlessly long bank holiday. Unable to play online on my PS3 (Bastards. New card in the post.) and unable to go out and socialise (I actually thought about getting a social life for a bit, was all rather depressing), I chose to spend my time not revising for this exam I have on Thursday but writing my first feature on my favourite cinematic priests, to tie in with this week's release of Priest. (Just noticed that it sounds like I'm religious, writing an article about priests for a site with pilgrim in the name. Hopefully reading the article will convince otherwise, though I intend no offence.)

In other news, my other breakthrough writing job: an abridged version of my EPQ essay - "How did the American film industry respond to the Iraq war?" - may be being published in Media Magazine, a publication aimed at A-level media and film students. It'll either be in the December issue or its web supplement. Which is good.

But don't worry, regular reader, I'm not going to be neglecting this blog any time soon. No more than usual anyway. I intended to write a piece reviewing the first episode of the new Doctor Who series soon after its broadcast, then conveniently decided to wait until after the second episode, as it was a two-part story. Now I have imminent art exam work and this exam which I actually am revising for (i.e. talking to various objects in German), so, er, maybe later today, or this week, ish. I'll sum it up now: I quite like Doctor Who. But you know that.

Hangin' in the Treme

2011-04-23T09:10:00.000-07:00

Those who regularly follow my blog (all two of you) will know that my favourite TV series of all time is David Simon’s critically acclaimed The Wire. For this reason, I was of course excited to watch Simon’s new HBO series Treme, with the focus shifted from life on the crime-addled streets of Baltimore to the rebuilding of post-Katrina New Orleans.Many features reminiscent of The Wire are present in Treme, which follows a similar structure. The pre-credits scene, the title montage, the dismissal of conventional storytelling devices (save for the opening caption “Three months after” and one flashback in the finale) – they’re all present. Like The Wire, the series follows an ensemble cast of characters that occasionally interact and are all in their own ways dealing with the same issues. The inadequacy of governments returns as one of Simon’s favourite themes; many blame the government for the fall of the levees, one character’s brother has been lost by the prison system and the re-opening of a group of housing projects is put off while many live homeless.

Nevertheless, Treme’s heroes – the citizens of New Orleans – are determined to fight this incompetence. Professor Creighton Bernette (John Goodman, grumpier and obese-ier than ever) uses the media and the internet to draw attention to the flooding being “not a natural disaster but a man-made fucking catastrophe of epic proportions". Davis McAlary (Steve Zahn) records a series of political protest songs after losing his job as a radio DJ. LaDonna Batiste-Williams (Khandi Alexander) with her lawyer Toni Bernette (Melissa Leo, on fine form after her Oscar for The Fighter) fights the legal system in search of clues as to her brother’s fate. Albert Lambreaux (Clarke Peters), a Mardi Gras Indian chief, stages a sit-in protest in the projects. These characters are determined to rebuild their city and not to give up against adversity from nature and from politics. (Interestingly, (SPOILERS!) the one who does give up and throw himself into a river is the middle-class white academic – possibly a comment on the determination of the black working classes, it’s hard to imagine Big Chief Lambreaux, who faces much worse destruction, doing the same. He was one of the less likable characters anyway.)

Thus, while Treme has the realism of The Wire, it is a much less gritty and depressing realism. From comparing these two series, the impression is given that New Orleans is a happier place than Baltimore. An enormous part of this is the music. Music is to Treme what crime is to The Wire, diegetically pervading pretty much every scene. The street performers, the Indians’ traditional a capello songs, the club trombonist, McAlary with his political protest songs, even a few cameos from Elvis Costello: it seems that everyone in Treme is a musician and indeed, maybe in New Orleans, it’s impossible not to be. Even grumpy Professor Bernette joins in at the Mardi Gras parades. New Orleans is united by its music; unlike in the gangs of The Wire, race is rarely an issue as white and black musicians play together. The celebration of this musical joie de vivre makes Treme a delight. In fact, this is the only show I can think of where I don’t want the title sequence to end, because of the marvellous "Treme Song" by John Boutté with the beautifully edited montage juxtaposing scenes of destruction with those of happiness and culture.

While some viewers may find the plot slow paced (maybe that’s an understatement; one character’s entire nine-episode storyline is “she plays music with her boyfriend and then leaves him because he’s a dick”), I feel that the pleasure of Treme is not in the plot but in the characters and the culture. The majority of the characters are indeed likeable, involving and believable; by the end of the first episode I’d already stopped thinking of Clarke Peters and Wendell Pierce’s characters as Freamon and Bunk (plus, by the end of the second episode I’d stopped finding it funny when Pierce’s Antoine Batiste refers to his trombone as “my bone”).

The season ended with a funeral, New Orleans style, with a black-clad brass band and mourners being joined by passers-by as they parade the street. A sombre, yet optimistic and beautiful ending. I’ll be interested to see where season two goes; although I’m a bit nervous that there’s not much more that can be done with some of the characters who didn’t have much of a plot anyway, the Wire-style introduction of new regular characters with each season should sustain interest. Plus, the musical scenes will always be enjoyable.Overall, while Treme has not yet reached the peaks of David Simon’s more pessimistic magnum opus in terms of the mixture of social criticism, compelling character studies and the way The Wire actually had a sort of plot (ish), many of my favourite elements of The Wire are still present. Combined with a much more optimistic sense of a vibrant culture fighting against adversity, this makes Treme a joy to watch.

I wouldn’t mind visiting New Orleans sometime. As long as I don’t go via Baltimore.

Who's excited for Doctor Who?

2011-04-12T08:25:00.001-07:00

The (earlier every year, overly dramatic) whirlwind of hype has begun and the nation is counting down to the latest series of Doctor Who. The sad bastards. Here's what I'm particularly looking forward to:

Matt Smith. Well, obviously. We all love Matt Smith. Hopefully, he'll get naked again. Not only for the hotness, but it would also mean that I could use the phrase "Matt Smith naked" in another blog post title and get hundreds more views from dirty-minded googlers. In the space of a few weeks, my Christopher and his Kind review has become my most read article ever.

Neil Gaiman. Admittedly, I haven't read any of his work, but, in order to defend my nerd credentials, I feel obliged to be excited about his episode.

The new villains. The way Steven Moffat can really make his mark on the Whoniverse (I believe that's a word) is to introduce a new major villain to compete with the iconic status of the Daleks and the Cybermen. Indeed it seems, with the promotional material showing off the Silence, he is attempting to do so. Moffat's creations are always good at utilising the viewers' fears, a trend which, judging from this promotional image, he's continuing with the Silence. This time, it's the fear of unironed clothing. Just look at all the creases... if you can cope with it! The scruffy bugger.

Hats. Lots of hats. Stetsons, space suit hats, pirate hats, Nazi hats, Sontar-hats, hopefully even a fez. Hats are cool.

In the meantime, Whovians looking to keep themselves busy should consider ~~going out and getting a fucking social life~~ helping out this fellow nerd (both a science fiction and actual science nerd) who is writing a book on Doctor Who and the autism spectrum and would like people to respond to a research questionnaire. It seems like an interesting project; I've had a go myself and thought I might as well share my answers:

Doctor Who Autism

The Kennedys - a truly tragic tale

2011-04-08T16:47:00.000-07:00

A biopic of John F. Kennedy starring Greg Kinnear should not be bad. He's an Oscar nominated (if you've not seen As Good as It Gets, see As Good as It Gets) actor with an appearance very similar to JFK. 1960s American culture is stylish and fashionable, as Mad Men has shown. It would be a remarkable feat to bugger this up.

Yet this latest American import, The Kennedys, being shown on the History channel, has somehow managed to do so. Although Kinnear (along with Tom Wilkinson and Barry Pepper) is clearly a talented actor, his skills are wasted as he churns out poorly written, cliché-ridden dialogue.

November 8, 1960 is the setting for the first episode, as Senator Kennedy awaits the results of the presidential election. His family's past is revealed in a series of dull flashbacks - these are brought in with a sound effect so bad it must have been added ironically and are depicted, because it's the early 20th century, in a hideously vomitus-inspired colour palette.

While the main performances are all strong, especially Wilkinson as John's father Joe Kennedy, Sr, many of the supporting actors give painfully wooden performances. In some cases, though, I feel I have to let them off and blame the writer or director - those playing the audiences of two speeches Kennedy makes in his political campaign, for example, must surely have realised the overly ridiculous nature of their actions. He hesitates too much on his first speech, everyone shakes their heads wildly in dismay. He opens up about his dead brother to the Gold Star Mothers, the applause that follows is more crazed than at a Justin Bieber concert.

By far the most irritating element of The Kennedys is the music. Oh, the music. It won't stop. Why won't it stop? Every scene, every insignificant little conversation, the same excessively dramatic piece of music. It's the kind of soaring music that glorifies American politics in an annoyingly über-patriotic manner. This crass American flag waving is also notable, quite literally, in the flag being waved around in the cringeworthy title sequence (accompanied by that music again, of course), as well as the colours of the US flag being used for the on-screen captions that show up every three minutes to tell us it's still 1960.

Greg and Barry were enjoying this job until the composer played them his work. All 8 episodes of it.

The influence of the American History network is noticeable, as historical facts are crammed into every line - educational, perhaps, but from a dramatic perspective, the density of the historical references feels more forced than the abdication of Mary, Queen of Scots. The problem here is that The Kennedys jumps through so many events in a steadily fast pace, without giving the viewer time to connect with the characters and, well, care. These events could be interesting if we spent a bit more time following the characters and their emotions rather than moving objectively on to show some more facts for us to forget (Mad Men, in comparison, gets this right - watch that for a mix of good character drama with a historiographical look at 60s culture and events).

Looking at The Kennedys like this, it may be the kind of programme that, in a few years time, will litter every school's history department in dodgily recorded onto DVD form for when the teachers want an easy lesson. However, I doubt many left-oriented history teachers in America will want to show this to their students - despite some scenes showing JFK's idealism, the Kennedy family, especially Joe Sr, are portrayed as ambitious, power hungry schemers. I'm not sure how accurate this is, but many took offence to this in the States, leading their History network to decide not to show it.

But really, I must question whether they really made this decision based on politics. Perhaps they looked at The Kennedys and realised that, taking two Oscar-nominated actors, a powerful political dynasty and an exciting time of great change that's currently a fashionable setting, it is indeed possible to produce an utterly cack-handed wadge of tedium.

Very Mad Men - a post-modern sketch

2011-04-03T12:06:00.000-07:00

A post-modern sketch I wrote which parodies Mad Men :

Mad Men Parody

I enjoyed exaggerating all the 1960s traits of the characters, such as the alcoholism and sexism. Don's overly traumatic past and powerful image were also fun targets to play with. Hey, I have to do something to get my fix in the long wait until season 5!

Don Draper approves this work. And takes credit for it.

Matt Smith gets naked a lot...

2011-03-20T12:57:00.000-07:00

...but I watched Christopher and his Kind for the thought-provoking and intellectual historical drama. Honestly.

On a more serious note (as always), I was impressed by Matt Smith's performance as the novelist Christopher Isherwood in the BBC's adaptation of his autobiographical novel, which details his time in pre-war Berlin. While Isherwood is perhaps not presented as the most complex of characters, Smith portrays him with a believability and slight awkwardness that managed to draw me in to the extent that, for large portions of the drama, my mind was not at all engaged by the dual distractions of his sex appeal and comparisons with Doctor Who. Imogen Poots and Toby Jones also put in strong performances as the figures that influenced Isherwood's works.

The later years of Weimar Berlin is a setting that I find interesting and full of potential for good drama, as economic and political factors draw the dark metaphorical shadow of National Socialism over a society in which great artists like Fritz Lang, Bertolt Brecht and Max Ernst flourished. (What if this is happening now? If the recession somehow gets worse and the BNP somehow get elected, artistic types and gays will have to bugger off to America again. I'm booking my ticket already.) The director Geoffrey Sax (whose name is a convenient anagram of "gay sex offer" - just putting that out there) uses a variety of nice shots that emphasise the delights of the liberal culture of Weimar Berlin as well as the encroaching danger of the Nazis' rise to power. This theme is explored throughout the story with many nice period touches. The effects of the Nazis' increasing power are shown through a series of depressing events that take away from the liberal and artistic culture Isherwood came to Berlin for; the "bonfire of the vanities" style burning of books, the ransacking of the Jewish department store, Isherwood's former lover giving in and becoming a Nazi soldier, to name but a few. However, the drama faltered in that I never really felt that Isherwood himself was in any real danger. Perhaps due to the framing scenes of Isherwood alive and safe in 1976, his actions as more of an observer than an active participant in the political action or the occassional slow pace and conventionality of direction, this lack of threat prevented Christopher and his Kind from being the most exciting of dramas.

Despite this criticism, Christopher and his Kind was, overall, a well acted drama which touched on a few topical themes in its exploration of an interesting historical period. Also, the landlady's pronunciation of "Isherwood" was funny. Herr Ishywoo.

I'll finish my review with an overly precise and somewhat arbitrary rating: 7.8139/10

My (unintentionally) last-minute Oscars predictions

2011-02-27T12:22:00.000-08:00

Having made a tidy profit of 15 pence betting on the BAFTAs, my attentions turn to tonight's Oscars ceremony (I may not watch it all, because it's on past my bedtime and these things have a tendency to go on a bit). My previous gambling success shows my unequalled power of prediction, so here's what to place your last minute bets on*.

Best Film: The Social Network's a strong contender, but The King's Speech is going to win. Nevertheless, all the contenders (at least the 7 I've seen) are great; 2010 was a good year for film.

Best Actor: Really, do I need to say? I'll say Jesse Eisenberg, then on the ridiculously low chance that he wins, everyone shall proclaim me a God of predicting unlikely things. Yes, Jesse Eisenberg. (On a side note, William Hill have given me my winnings for Colin Firth to win early. Makes sense.)

Best Actress: I've not seen Black Swan, but it'll be Natalie Portman. It's taken 6 years, but she may have finally shaken off the embarrassment of the Star Wars prequels.

Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale. Deservedly so, I saw The Fighter last week and, while I didn't enjoy it quite as much as some of the other films up for Oscars, Bale's excellent and believable performance was the standout element.

Best Supporting Actress: Hailee Steinfeld should win, but Melissa Leo's more likely. Nay, Hailee Steinfeld should win Best Actress, being on screen for 90% of True Grit, but some farcible bungler has got the categories all wrong.

Best Director: David Fincher. Nobody had really heard of Tom Hooper before December and it's about time the man behind Fight Club and Se7en got the recognition he deserves.

Best Animated Feature: Toy Story 3

Best Foreign Film: Biutiful (at least I hope so, as I seem to have bet on it)

All the other ones: Who gives a shizzle? (but probably The King's Speech)

*Disclaimer: I am not to be held responsible if you lose all your money after betting on my predictions. If you win, I am entitled to 70%.

MegaCitrus Begins and Filmless

2011-02-19T10:10:00.000-08:00

To lighten up your weekend, here's some stuff that I made:

First up, MegaCitrus Begins, a fruity stop motion animation which I produced for A level Art. The topic was "Express Yourself", so it's quite clear how I ended up going down this route. There's a quite obvious and few years out of date political message in there because Mrs Bamford told me to. At least it didn't go all pear shaped.

The music used is "Sunshine v.2", "Villainous Treachery -- Distressed" and "Hero Theme" by the sublime Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

And here's a comedy film trailer I directed for Media Studies coursework:

Please ignore the interlacing problems. Or blame them on Ric.

Apart from the weeks of torture trying to get these files to work, I enjoyed working on this trailer. The guy in the impressive robot costume is me, as is the guy in the equally impressive purple shirt/tie combo. Well done to Ric and Kev for putting up with my work ethic, meaning we've finished the project way ahead of the other groups. Now we have nothing to do in coursework lessons but create the school's promotional campaign.

The music is by Ric's band, Signposted Disaster.

Rastamouse - making a bad ting good?

2011-02-16T13:11:00.000-08:00

There are some truly offensive things in the world today. Sexist football commentators, homophobic cartoons in the Daily Mail, the behaviour of Justin Bieber's fans towards the artist who beat him at the Grammies, the existence of Justin Bieber, the conservative government... the list goes on. With some things that cause offence, however, one does feel the need to grab the offendees by the lapels and shout "Goodness, my dear fellow, get a grip!" Alternatively, one could do as Rastamouse would and come up with a simple plan to make them see the error of their ways, then chill the complainers through the medium of reggae. Yes, Rastamouse, the BBC's new animated children's series, which has drawn many complaints due to its apparent stereotypical portrayal of a community of rastafarian rodents.

Thus, with the elaborate excuse of investigating whether its criticism was justified, I booted up the iPlayer, donned my rasta hat and energised myself with a Levi Roots microwaveable meal (well, one has to get into the spirit of things) before setting off on a Rastamouse marathon. I'm not embarrassed to say I was hooked from the title sequence. It's not the new The Wire and, comparing it more fairly to other children's programming, it doesn't reach the comedic peak of Shaun the Sheep, but what I found was a fun and entertaining show with a positive ethos, encouraging forgiveness and the solving of problems through kindness and understanding.

Yes, there is usage of cultural stereotypes, but neither rastafarians nor any other cultures are represented negatively. It's not that the villains are token sinister foreigners - there's a variety of characters presented with wit and style, simply living in a rastafarian inspired land, which gives the show its chilled musical feel. It is all done in a humourous, light-hearted manner which gives recognition to other cultures and will in no way make children into racists. No, recounting The Easy Crew's catchphrases in the playground doesn't count as racism, because it's not. The usage of stereotypes is harmless in the same way as that in Levi Roots' Reggae Reggae marketing campaigns and in classic characters like the french skunk Pepé Le Pew. And mice don't even smell. In fact, they're quite cute. (In this respect, complaints about rastafarians being presented as rodents are especially silly - compare with Maus, a comic book by a Jewish author about Jewish mice during the Holocaust. If they were rats, perhaps complaints would be somewhat justifiable, but they're not, so no.)

Compared to other, quite dire, children's programmes, Rastamouse truly is making a bad ting good. It's proper crucial.

The only one tiny little problem I have with Rastamouse's effect on children is the positions of authority over the orphans that seemingly reformed villains are often placed in. You've stolen all the cheese in the town? You must be lonely, why not become the chef at the orphanage? You've stolen all the town's CDs, including from the orphanage? You'd better take the orphans out on trips to your pirate radio station's boat! You've hijacked the towns water supply for your ginger beer company (yes, these are all real storylines)? Why not return some of the water and then give ten percent of your produce to the orphanage? Yes, forgiveness is a good message, but really, they don't even take CRB checks! When the children of today are in charge of the country, there'll be all sorts of unscrupulous deviants in charge of the orphans.

Irie, man!

Boardwalk Empire and Mad Men and shizzle

2011-02-02T14:47:00.000-08:00

A lot has happened in the important world of me watching television in the short time since I last blogged. So much that I just have to lie in bed telling the world about it when all my bodily functions are telling me to go to sleep. I've finished my second run all the way through The Wire (I know, over 121 hours, nearly 127 hours even, but totally worth it, more so than being stuck in a cliff), got up to the half way point of season 3 of Mad Men and the catalyst that finally set off this post was Sky Atlantic's showing of Boardwalk Empire.

No "Way Down in the Hole".

The first 2 episodes of Martin Scorsese's prohibition drama have been shown so far and after the first episode it seemed to be getting off to a strong start. Scorsese's masterful direction and the very impressive and vast Atlantic City Boardwalk set gave the pilot a cinematic aesthetic that managed to pull me in.

The story got off to an interesting start and Steve Buscemi's acting was of a very high calibre, with his corrupt treasurer Nucky Thompson showing a wide and believable range of emotions, from sinister spite to fond nostalgia for his late wife, as he sympathises with Kelly Macdonald's beaten housewife Margaret Schroeder. However, as I got to the end of episode 2, I realised that I was not sympathising with Nucky as much as I would like to with a main character, perhaps due to his unagreeable meaner side. I'm also finding it hard to get behind the supporting characters; neither Schroeder nor Michael Pitt's Jimmy Darmody are grabbing me as much as Mad Men's Peggy Olsen, the at first innocent yet ambitious girl in a changing sexist society, or Pete Campbell, the arrogant yet ambitious tit in a blue suit, were at the same stage of the show. That said, with the slow paced, long form nature, maybe my feelings for these characters will grow.

I was looking forward to seeing Michael K Williams (Omar from The Wire) in Boardwalk Empire, but so far he's played the enormous role of sitting on a chair impatiently for 3 seconds. I'm sure he'll play a greater role (he's not quite earned his place in the title credits yet), but so far, Boardwalk is losing on the actors from The Wire front. (Interestingly, when judging TV series based on how much of them features actors from The Wire, the same show comes out top as when I rate shows with a more conventional system. Bet you can't guess what it is.)

The aesthetic style of Boardwalk Empire is still impressive, although the second episode, not being directed by Scorsese, was not as good as the first in this respect. I do like the little period touches, such as the Henry Ford book The International Jew and the Ku Klux Klan chappie, who is likely to become more significant in future episodes.

Hey, it's still winning the "Actors from Reservoir Dogs" ratings system.

Overall, it has some faults but is a pooload better than most of British TV. I've not seen enough yet to make a full verdict but will stick with it.

And, of course, I intend to keep watching Mad Men. The last episode I watched was called Guy walks into an advertising agency. The pun in this title works on so many levels, but I won't go into it because I know at least one of my many readers is not up to this episode yet and I wouldn't want to spoil what happens (plus I'm falling asleep). Let's just say it's not Sterling Cooper's finest hour.

What, you want me to end this post with another Jon Hamm pun?

No way, I'm porking better than that.

Regular Film Review Series #3: The Town

2010-10-04T12:57:00.000-07:00

I saw Ben Affleck's new action thriller romantic heist drama film The Town at the weekend (I would rather have watched I'm Still Here or Winter's Bone but they are seemingly too arty for any of my local cinemas). It was actually quite good, with an exciting, at times gripping, story and some nice action scenes, although I'm not impressed by Affleck's acting or his directing.

The Town has a very strong supporting cast, especially The Hurt Locker's Jeremy Renner and Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm - now there's a meaty actor. He should get his chops into some meaty roles, like Hamlet. I'd steak good money on him becoming one of the top sausages* of the acting world. On a more serious note, I watched the first season of Mad Men recently and Hammerz was brilliant in that as Don Draper, the advertising executive hiding a dark past (I'm waiting for an opportunity to watch the next seasons), but, sadly, while he portrays him excellently, his character in The Town, determined FBI Special Agent Frawley (pronounced Frolly (yes, Frolly (probably, can't really remember, but it sounds funny))) was left sadly underdeveloped, as if picked from a bin of stock action characters. Oh, and Pete Postlethwaite's Irish accent is, disappointingly, a bit dodgy.

So yeah, overall, worth watching if you don't want to travel to Wigan (the nearest cinema showing I'm Still Here).

*I know that's not a pun. Is it even a phrase people use? Don't blame me, thinking of meat puns can be porking hard.

In other news, robot costumes are so fashionable for the Autumn/Winter season this year. As modelled (and created) by me, look out for this outfit in the upcoming film trailer for the non-existent film Filmless (hey, that's ironic...)!

Current excuses for not blogging as much as I should do.

2010-09-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

I love writing lists.

1. My EPQ essay, "How did the Hollywood film industry respond to the Iraq war?" is still taking up quite a bit of time, despite the current version being 3000 words above the target.

2. Art. This is the only excuse I need really, and I'm probably falling heavily behind in art by stopping to write this list. Anyway, due to having no ideas whatsoever for my project, I showed Mrs Bamford my MegaCitruses and now my project seems to be based on them. The current plan leads to me making an animation about a city made of fruit, somehow also involving elephants and possibly clocks and/or boots. Shouldn't take long; last time I did an animation, I only had to work every free, lunch and evening until 2AM for two weeks. Then again, now I know not to make it about characters who don't touch the floor, plus I can say that it carries an environmental message and examiners might like that.

3. Media. Another big coursework task, and one which seems like it will have to be done almost entirely outside of lesson time, as our new teacher is determined to distract us with dull films. But it'll be amazing. As long as I can persuade my group to let me make a robot helmet out of an old television and sellotape bacon to people's faces.

4. I'm campaigning for head boy. Despite the fact that if I win, the amount of spare time I have per week will go into the negative numbers, I am certainly the best candidate. Here's my nomination statement:

Although my intellectual superiority obviously places me in the upper echelons of the BRGS intelligentsia, I strive to be a caring, tolerant individual who values fairness and honesty above all else (except maybe my dashing good looks). With my honed sense of style and glowing aura of power and awe, I possess all the necessary qualities of a king, or, failing that, a head boy. BRGS is an excellent school, but that means it needs excellent students, and in recent times, one such excellent student has stood out above the rest: Kieron Moore. Who has already taken on such varying and strenuous tasks as lunchtime prefecting not once, but twice a week, helping out at open evenings and even fixing the shelves in the computing room (you don’t need to know who broke them)? That’s right, me! I believe that BRGS has a strong sense of community and am committed to valiantly upholding this so that the brave students of BRGS can look upon their friendly, as well as academically successful, community with pride, under the banner “Kieron Moore: Head Boy”.

So, if you're a current member of the BRGS sixth form, vote for me! If not, vote for me anyway! Here's a Facebook group about it.

5. Also, I am still learning German...

6. ...and Maths...

7. ...and General Studies. Haha, not really. It takes up about as much time and thought as my social life.

8. Still in the process of applying to universities.

9. Still learning to drive.

10. I have been invited into the LittleBigPlanet 2 beta! That means I must be a valued member of the LBP community! I'm not allowed to tell you about it, you know, it's all secretive.

11. Those times when I sit doing nothing, thinking to myself "I'll start doing something productive soon."

What I did on my Summer Holidays

2010-09-05T10:57:00.000-07:00

Oops, haven't blogged for months. There's a half finished post from the 7th of July saved as a draft that I'd totally forgotten about, but it would be silly to publish that now. What a shame. I had a lovely graph planned for it, too. Never mind, I'll have a go at fixing this blog drought. You want to know what I've been doing over the Summer holidays, don't you? I knew you would. It's been a very productive period. Here's a heavily edited, glossed over version.

The first two weeks, known as Enrichment 2 Weeks, were spent on work experience at Goldminds Media in Manchester. They're a great company and really nice people, even if by the end of Enrichment 2 Weeks, I'd printed titles onto 265 discs, one at a time. They let me be a runner on a shoot one day; yay for carrying heavy equipment! Here's a further few things I learned during my placement:

"We were taking photos of bread" does not work as an excuse for breaking the Marks and Spencer rule of "no photography in Marks and Spencer" (we were, in fact, taking photos of queues).
Homes 4 U, despite being an estate agent, has a surprisingly nice café.
I cannot walk through Manchester city centre unattended without coming dangerously close to being run over by a bus.
The staff in the Apple store are creepily friendly (and sexy, in some cases) but can't give perfect advice on backup devices (maybe partly my fault - they'd trusted me with the big responsibility of going to the Apple store meeting but I had no idea how big the footage taken on a single shoot is).

Also, I showed my art animation to Goldminds, they liked it and showed it to Revolution vodka bars, their clients, and now Revolution are interested in showing it on their in-house TV channel. Groovy!

I've also started driving lessons. This adventure isn't going too badly so far; the majority of Rossendale remains intact and the instructor man sometimes lets me go really really fast. Vrum vrum! Well, not that fast, no more than, you know, 30 miles per hour, but you get the point, it's a rather exciting business. Can't be long until I unlock machine gun attachments.

My EPQ essay, "How did the American film industry respond to the Iraq War?", has been another thing keeping me busy. I've smashed through the 5,000 word target and my current draft stands somewhere around 7,893 (ish) words, which I'm pleased with. There're some interesting films that I looked at while researching for this and I'd particularly recommend War, Inc, which is a hilarious yet meaningful parody of US corporate interests in the Middle East. Plus, John Cusack backflips into a garbage truck.

The best thing on television over the Summer was undoubtedly Sherlock. Steven Moffat has won television. Again. Excellent performances from Benedict Cumberbatch (the fact that he's hot also helps), Martin Freeman and the rest of the cast combined with brilliant writing and directing (these weren't so good in the middle episode, which not only had a quite silly Chinese smuggling ring but also didn't have enough gay allusions) made Sherlock a perfect contemporary update of Conan Doyle's mythos. Elsewhere in the world of television, I'm nearly up to the end of season 4 in my second run of The Wire (ah, the ending to season 4, episode 11 is so satisfying) and I've started season 1 of Mad Men, which is turning out to be very interesting. Not a contender for The Wire, though. Nothing is. Nothing.

My parents went away for the final weekend of the holidays, leaving me with the house to myself. Some teenagers would have taken this as an opportunity to hold a wild party, but I'm much better than that. I walked to Tesco at 3AM on Saturday in order to buy one of each of the three main citrus fruits, then returned home to carry out a plan I call...

I am the Dieter Laser of citrus fruits!

Back to sixth form tomorrow, maybe that shall restore my sanity/body clock/social life. Maybe not.

Adventures in Nottingham and more Doctor Who

2010-06-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

This Saturday marked the universally agreed upon most important day of the year, as the last in the series of Doctor Who was broadcast. Households around the universe were preparing themselves for the excitement, but of course, given the nature of my wild and unpredictable lifestyle, things would not work out so simply for me.
For I was on a grand adventure to the land of Nottingham, recognised worldwide for its thieves with inconsistent accents and its lace making industry, to take a look at its university. The campus was lovely and spacious, although I only saw one duck - I expect York, having the highest duck:student ratio in the country, will beat this. The course I'm likely to apply for at Nottingham is joint Film Studies and German - both areas seem good, although there's not enough of a practical side to the film area. However, a small amount of the film students are sent to do a paid internship in Hollywood, which sounds amazing, as long as I could use whatever methods necessary to secure myself a place *smiles and rubs hands sinisterly*. The catered accomodation seemed pretty shabby, but the self-catered flats were nice. I'd have to make sure to be sharing a kitchen with someone whose cooking skills aren't quite as life-threatening as my own. Picked up lots of leaflets, including one for Economics and one for Dutch Studies - not sure how that happened.
After the open day, I would have returned home in time for The Big Bang, were it not for the fact that my Grandma lives in Nottingham and it would apparently be rude not to visit her. Thank goodness for Sky+. Some of her anecdotes about the exciting life of a pensioner (almost as crazy as my own) were actually quite amusing. For example, it turns out my uncle's DIY skills are equivalent to what my own are probably like, as he tried to remove her boiler by "socking it with a hammer". Also, she sold her old settee to a devoutly religious ex-alcoholic who is pretending to be gay so that he can inherit stuff from aging comedy star Barry Howard (who had a small role in Doctor Who - The End of Time). Plus, she has a pretty groovy mirror.
Anyway, here's some comments on The Big Bang: it was amazing. Moffat wrote a great end to the story while leaving some strands open for next year, although the timelines don't really make much sense if you think about them, what with River Song having to go do the Weeping Angel shizz yet all of the series supposedly not having happened and all that. I spent most of last night mentally trying to find a way to make them work and I think I might have got there. No, I'm not explaining it. As usual, the acting and direction were to a high standard . I loved the Doctor's new headgear (both the fez, because fezzes are cool, and the top hat) and the stone Dalek, which provided some cool action scenes. Suggestion: next year, the Doctor should wear a different hat every episode, somehow relating to where he's visiting. After an emotional step in their story, Amy and Rory are alive and human again, travelling with the Doctor, so bring on Christmas! Only 181 days to go!

Side note: it's too damn hot. Like me.

on my exciting weekend (mostly consisting of Tesco and Doctor Who)

2010-06-19T18:09:00.001-07:00

After having pretty much bossed the last of my exams on Friday (another high A, yawn), I've been having a pretty exciting weekend. My parents were away at a wedding on Friday night, so I decided to make the most of having the house to myself. I went totally wild and watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off on Film4. OK, not the most crazy night possible, but what else could I have done? No way am I holding a party, someone would end up shitting on the settee or setting fire to the bread or creasing my limited edition hardcover Star Wars: Legacy Volume 1. You know, those kinds of youth crimes you read about in the Daily Mail. Anyway, it was a pretty funny film and I caught the end of Jonathan Ross afterwards, but was still left with a lingering urge to do something only the really mentally unstable would do.
So I did. Something so mad that Tim Burton on LSD couldn't have come up with it - I walked to Tesco. After midnight. I've always wanted to know what a 24-hour supermarket is like in the early hours and this was the night I would find out. But first, some observations from my walk there. Walking in the middle of a usually busy road made me feel powerful and free. Then a car came. I moved back onto the pavement. I saw some kids coming in my direction and crossed to the other side out of pointless middle-class caution. When they got closer, they didn't look at all rough and, from the snippets of their conversation I overheard, seemed relatively intelligent and sober. Lots of England flags up on Broadway. Not so many on the nicer streets. Interesting how those living in poorer conditions support our country more. Or have less taste. Was that a fox?
In Tesco: lots of staff stacking shelves. I wonder how much they get paid? Not many customers. One drunken fool bowed to me. I would expect nothing less. Closest I got to human interaction. Had some spare change and wanted to give the trip a point by buying something, so bought copy of Radio Times, mainly because of Doctor Who picture on the cover.
(Humourous aside: once, I bought a few items from Tesco which totalled £12.48. I decided to rid myself of loose change by paying with all my coins. mostly 1ps, 2ps and 10ps, at the self service till. It turned out I had £12.47, and I had to pay the remaining one pence with my bank card.)
Which brings us smoothly on to Saturday, and The Pandorica Opens, the penultimate episode of the current series of Doctor Who. I was incredibly excited for this episode and, as it turned out, rightly so. Making use of the budget not used for The Lodger (a funny episode which I liked, except for the dodgy ending with the unexplained TARDIS-alike and people physically walking through a roof), Steven Moffat presented us with an epic storyline spanning from Van Gogh's house in France to the 52nd century (bit of an error there, hardcore dates-of-stuff-happening-in-Doctor-Who fans?) to the fungal jungles (accidental rhyme alert) of the first planet in existence to Roman Britain and, most importantly, Stonehenge. If the early episodes of the series homaged Star Wars, this episode seemed full of Indiana Jones homages, in no way a bad thing, with the gloomy secret chamber filled with cobwebs, flaming torches and a mysterious puzzle box. Also, the scene with River Song putting microexplosives in the fat blue dude's drink was reminiscent of the start of Temple of Doom. There were some wonderful performances from all the main cast and the writing and direction were on top form. The episode managed to have an ending which was not only heavily emotional, but also nerdgasmic, with aliens as obscure as the Hoix and Torchwood's blowfish man showing up. The Zygons, Chelonians, Drahvins and more were also namechecked, making grown men without girlfriends across the country squee with excitement. It would have been nice to see this Alliance in more detail, but there's always next week. The scene with the zombie Cyberman was great (another Star Wars homage, perhaps - its arm had the aim of a Stormtrooper) and perfectly scary and tense. I bet there'll be some nightmares about that skull falling out of the helmet tonight. I nearly wet myself (no, I didn't really). Overall, awesome.

Sorry if any of that didn't make any sense or was all in the wrong order, it's past 3 in the morning and I have no idea why I'm blogging.

Bed now.

New LBP Level: Sack Force 141 vs the Oily Communist Doom Legions... at sea!

2010-05-28T09:59:00.000-07:00

Another post a lot later than intended, but I really should promote my new(ish) LittleBigPlanet level, Sack Force 141 vs the Oily Communist Doom Legions... at sea! by mmmpieisgood, despite now playing ModNation Racers more often (who knows, I may write about it one day). Here's its summary and some lovely pictures:

"Those darn commie terrorists are holding hostages on board a heavily guarded oil rig. Your mission is to get into the oil rig, save the hostages and stop the bad men. Loosely based on that Modern Warfare 2 level with the oil rig. With REAL WATER OMGWTFBBQ!"

Matt Smith is hotter than David Tennant (and other controversial viewpoints)

2010-05-23T08:42:00.000-07:00

As the new series of Doctor Who passed the pivotal episode 8 mark yesterday (8, it's like, 2 cubed, can't beat that for significance), I thought now would be a good time to blog about my thoughts on the series so far. Well, either that or I've been meaning to do this since around episode 4 (2 squared, see the pattern?) and just haven't got around to it until today, the one Sunday where I have an exam the Monday immediately afterwards.

Overall, I've been loving the series so far. In my opinion, Matt Smith is a lot better than David Tennant. Tennant is a great actor but Smith's Doctor is more eccentric and alien. The anger bubbling below the surface of the Eleventh Doctor is more crazed and sudden than the dull angst of the Tenth. Here's someone who won't keep stopping to cry about the loss of Rose 'most important chav in the universe' Tyler. His mannerisms, voice and even costume are also improvements; connotations of his eccentricity and superiority, whereas Tennant's sometimes felt like he was trying to be too cool and "one of the guys". In fact, I like Matt Smith's Doctor so much that I was extremely tempted when I saw a life-sized cardboard cut out of him in a shop. Only the practicality of carrying it on the bus home prevented me.

The quality of the writing has also improved. It seems that Steven Moffat puts a lot more thought into giving his series a strong plot that all fits together; the storyline about the Doctor investigating Amy's crack (sorry) is proving a more interesting story arc than previous attempts like Bad Wolf and will most likely have a better resolution than "companion inexplicably becomes God and causes everything". I also very much like the character development going on with Amy and Rory; having the companion's fiancé on board adds a fresh new dynamic to the show that's different to what has been attempted before. I've also got to give credit to the new team of directors, Adam Smith especially. It seems that the production quality has dramatically increased since the RTD era, which is remarkable considering that the budget went down. The variety of interesting camera shots Adam Smith presents is worthy of high praise, especially that lovely zigzagging track through the Delirium Archive in The Time of Angels and his David Fincher moment of the Doctor's recalled memories of the village green in The Eleventh Hour.

The Eleventh Hour was a very strong opener to the series and remains one of my favourite episodes ever. Moffat is at his best here and the story benefits from the extra time it is allowed.

Unfortunately, Moffat's writing was not quite as good on The Beast Below, but it was still a very good episode. The somewhat steampunk aesthetic of Starship UK was very nicely done. However, the episode seemed a tad rushed, as some of the guest characters could have done with some more screen time and it would have been great to have seen some more of Starship UK.

This criticism also applies to Victory of the Daleks. I'm afraid to say that this was the weakest episode of the series so far. Mark Gatiss's writing just didn't really have that much depth, as Churchill didn't do much or become emotionally affected by the events - he seemed there for the sole purpose of having the 'token early in series historical figure'. Also, the viewer was meant to care about that woman in the bunker whose husband died, but I bet less than 1% of the viewers even remembered her name (it was Blanche, I'm in the intelligent/really nerdy percentile). Actually, was it her boyfriend? Her fiancé, maybe? See! Maybe a bit more screen time would have solved this problem. And then there was the Daleks. Oh, the Daleks. I can't say I like the new models, which have been inspired by the Teletubbies (might as well put screens on the front and go for the full effect). I prefer the RTD-era look, the shape and colours were more threatening, but, hey, the BBC have to sell merchandise somehow!

Now, I loved Blink but didn't think the Weeping Angels should return. They seemed like the kind of villains that work best as one-offs, but I changed my mind after The Time of Angels, it was a brilliant episode! Moffat pulled it off by doing a totally different type of story with them - the Alien/Aliens comparison he used was perfectly appropriate.
I nearly missed Flesh and Stone due to a crazy suicidal druggie going on an automobile rampage in the car park of Hebden Bridge Co-Op and causing a minor dent in my dad's car and at least 2 others, but on the up side, after all insurance and police chappies were informed of the incident, it was another excellent episode. Overall, this two-part story was good enough to rival The Eleventh Hour as my favourite story so far. I don't understand why some people don't like two-parters; they're much better paced and so allow for a stronger, deeper story. Initially, I thought I'd noticed a continuity error at the scene where the Doctor had the jacket on despite previously losing it, but, looking closely at that scene, his watch and even his mood seem to change as well - is this a clever plot device that will be explored in the finalé? Exciting! The changing length of his hair was definitely a silly error, though.

The Vampires of Venice was another strong episode, if not original or exceptional enough to place it among the best. Venice is a beautiful city and it was great to see it shown well in Doctor Who, albeit actually filmed in Croatia. The resolution seemed a bit rushed, with it not really clear what happened to the fishy boys in the canals.

Amy's Choice wasn't as good as Moffat's episodes but I consider it to be the best non-Moffat episode in the series so far. It developed the TARDIS trio's characters effectively and reassured me that there is a reason for my fear of old people. Now it's only my fear of young people and my fear of people that are irrational. Toby Jones was great as the Dream Lord and I love the manically clumsy side to Matt Smith's Doctor as here he knocks an old lady off a roof with a lamp. What next, hitting a Dalek with a comically large spanner? Oh.

I'm usually optimistic about Doctor Who, but my expectations for The Hungry Earth were set to low, fearing that the Silurians would be a bit... rubbish. However, I liked it more than I expected, as the creepy atmosphere worked brilliantly, and the episode had some lovely colours in it. I like lovely colours. I still don't like the look of the Silurians - some more lizardy frills would have improved them and I really don't know why they weren't given some reptilian contact lenses. Also, unusual sex appeal aside, why would a female reptile have breasts? On the other hand, when you consider that the original Silurians had naturally evolved ray guns in their heads, modern Doctor Who is, by comparison, scientifically plausible. A plus side of this episode was that it seemed to make the viewers care more for the guest characters, giving them more emotional depth than say, that dude who blew himself up in The Vampires of Venice and the aforementioned "that woman" in Victory of the Daleks, this despite Meera Syal's less than fully convincing acting. The cliffhanger could have been better; revealing that there was a whole civilisation of Homo Reptilia under the Earth worked in theory, but the reveal could have been more dramatic. Perhaps the scene of Amy about to be vivisected (not dissected, as her fellow captive wrongly called it) would have made a better final scene. Also, despite this being part of a two-parter, it could actually have benefited from being slightly longer. I say that because of the deleted scene shown on Doctor Who Confidential of the Doctor and Amy discussing Rory while walking towards the "big mining thing". This was a lovely little scene which, as well as looking great, would have added to the wonderful character arc and it's a shame that they cut it.

Overall, I'm very much enjoying this series of Doctor Who. The story, main characters and directing are superb and I look forward very much to the rest of the series, as well as the Adventure Games. Free video games are never a bad thing! I'd only suggest that the BBC allow longer episodes in future series.

Watch my fishy animation, it's better than prawnography!

2010-05-14T12:50:00.000-07:00

Bassically, this is a krilliant stop motion animation about some lovely fishies. I made this for my AS level art coursework, not just for the halibut, but as part of the "Marine Life" project.

Photographed in my school with my Nikon D70s D-SLR and edited in Photoshop and Pinnacle in a different plaice, i.e. my house. Was a pretty tedious job, by the end I'd haddock enough of editing all the frames, especially considering how I had to get my skates on and work fast so that it didn't turn out carp. Thank Cod it's over now.

The music is "Chee Zee Beach" by Kevin MacLeod of incompetech.com That guy's got sole; he knows how to make a bangin' tuna.

When I'm a world famous film director, eel make this into a full feature film, with Mussel Crowe and Minnowna Ryder voicing the main characters. But for now, that's only in my breams.

If you value your life at all, follow this advice:

2010-05-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

Advice 1: Don't do A-level art.

Advice 2: If you ignore advice 1, don't make a
stop motion animation.

Advice 3: If you ignore advice 1 and 2, don't make
a stop motion animation about a character that does not touch the
ground.

Purple Fridays at BRGS!

2010-04-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

I'm starting a new weekly event, because purple's awesome, inspired by David's new purple shirt and imminently arriving from eBay purple trilby. A surprisingly large number (actually more than 4) people have already vowed to don the purple clothes of purpleness.

As the poster I've not got enough purple ink to print says:

Fridays at BRGS sixth form are now purple days. Wear no purple and there will be dire consequences. Bonus points for cool purple accessories, e.g. trilbies.

Remember, kids - normal dress code still applies, with the added rule of WEAR PURPLE!

How to fix a Wacom Bamboo Tablet Pen

2010-04-12T08:54:00.000-07:00

Today, I found out that the pen for my graphics tablet is broken. Well, that's a lie; I'd known for a while and had been putting off doing anything about it. The pen section had stopped working but the eraser end still worked; this is apparently a common problem caused by an electromagnetic coil in its circuitry snapping. But today, I wanted to use it to do some art work. Put off by the £30 price for a replacement pen, I got my screwdriver and my superglue and set off fixing it. After all, what could possibly go wrong? Here's an easy to follow guide:

Stage 1Look on the internet for guides written by people who know what they are talking about. Realise that all of them are for different types of pen to the one you have, but decide to go for it anyway; you may have to "improvise" a bit.

Stage 2Remove the point from the pen (that's the easy bit over with) and then go at the buttony section with a screwdriver. This needs to be removed, but watch out - it may surprise you by flying across the room!

Stage 3

The next thing you need to do is to open up the pen to get to the circuitry inside. With some models it should just pull apart, but this almost certainly won't work with yours. Try pulling it apart for as long as you wish, followed by a period of asking family members to have a go. If none of this works (it won't), there's only one choice left:
Get a sharp bread knife and carefully cut through the end of the pen, near to the section where you were sure it was going to come apart. Be careful not to cut into the circuit board (I didn't, because I'm good at this kind of thing). When you're finished, it should look like this:
Stage 4

At this point, it's a good idea to take a deep breath (you may alternatively wish to say your favourite expletive) and survey the problems with the pen (both the ones that were already there and the ones you've just caused). Remove the casing and it should look like this.Alternatively, you may wish to replace the pen tip only and have a go at seeing if it works now. You never know, it might. Strangely, the eraser end is likely to still not be broken.

Stage 5
Reach for your superglue and take a look at the coil at the pen end. There is likely to be a snap in it. Squeeze a large amount of superglue onto here and make sure that it keeps coming out of the tube even when you want it to stop. Try to hold the coil closed, but you may also somehow find a way to change the shape of the coil and give it a nice little sticky out bit. A warning: there's a chance it could get stuck like that, but it doesn't matter, as you've buggered everything by now anyway.

Stage 6Reassemble all the pieces. Have a moment of panic as you think you've lost a bit of it, before finding it again.

Stage 7At this point, you're in the exact same situation as when you started; it still doesn't work, but at least the eraser end works. Oh, and there's the big knife cut through it.

Stage 8
If you want to give it another go, simply take the pen apart again. However, this may cause more of its circuitry to fall apart, so be careful.

Stage 9

Buy a new pen.

Happy fixing!

The game's out there, and it's play or get played. That simple.

2010-03-23T13:47:00.000-07:00

Hello. Here is an assortment of musings on my recent thoughts and activities:

My group finished our media coursework recently; the task was to make an opening to a thriller. Are you male, 16-34, higher educated and a fan of rock music and The Wire? This is for you! If not, watch it just for the acting.

(No need to panic, we're not marked for acting)

I went to a university fair today and picked up quite a lot of stuff - 4 bags full of 25 prospectuses, 2 foam pound signs, a beach ball and a flashing pen. However, I am only considering a small proportion of thiose 25 universites and, sadly, the flashing pen is now broke. I'm likely to be doing an honours degree in Film and Television production (or studies), possibly combined with German. York looks good, and not just because that's where Apple (of acclaimed comedy duo Apple and Grape) is studying. Nottingham, Exeter, Lancaster and Royal Holloway, London are also potential targets.

At least when I seem overburdened by the stress of my A-level work combined with university research, I have something to look forward to. My social life! Just kidding, I'm referring to the imminent return of Doctor Who, which I am unashamedly excited for. There is no way this new series can fail to be brilliant, with Weeping Angels, some lovely spaceships, a crazy zombie Cyberman, 6 episodes by the Grand Moff Steven Moffat (I love when people reference Star Wars while talking about Doctor Who), a new Doctor and, most importantly, a ginger companion.

I'm ignoring those bashing Matt Smith before they've seen him play the Doctor and think he will be great (in terms of acting as well as hotness, same applies to Karen Gillan (and the new Daleks*)).

The first person to tell me who said the quote in the title wins a very special prize (no, it's not a spacehopper).

I'd better stop writing now. I need to go and take some paracetamol for my daily headache.

*Joke. I am not sexually attracted to Daleks.

I should probably stop neglecting this blog. I wouldn't neglect a sea lion pup.

2010-02-27T08:48:00.000-08:00

Wow, I really haven't posted since December. I have my excuses though; here's what's been keeping me busy:

1. Christmas
DVD box set of The Wire, yay!

2. Austria
Over half term I went on a skiing holiday to Kitzbühel in Austria with my friend Nick and our dads. This is the second time we've been to Kitzbühel and so I considered blogging before the holiday reminiscing about last time but couldn't because of reason 3 (see below).

The week started on a high with me accidentally smashing a pool cue into a light fitting and causing a small power failure no more than two hours after arriving in our hotel.

Next, I was happy when I had an opportunity to practice my German skills. I used the word "Durchfall" (diarrhoea) in a conversation with an actual Austrian person in a properly useful way. (If you must know, Nick's dad had decided he'd rather shit himself than show off what a bad skiier he is, so we had to get some medicine from the chemist)

At least the skiing went well for the first day or two with neither of us actually falling off a cliff, despite Nick coming dangerously close. However, we seemed to have no idea where we were going, spending most of our time trying to work out where we are.

Luckily, the holiday company had a free and fun solution to this. We signed up to take part in a "ski safari", in which we would ski with a group led by our rep, Adam, covering a large amount of the mountain range in one day. By the way, Adam had put his mobile number on display in the hotel lobby so that guests could contact him if they needed anything. Did we take the number? No, there's no way we would end up needing that! Nick and I set off determined not to get lost on the ski safari and to have a good day's skiing. Naturally, we got on the wrong bus on the way to where the group was meeting, but with a spot of luck, it went to the right place anyway (on the way to the very wrong place). Meeting our group, we were all asked to tell everyone our names, where we come from and an interesting fact about ourselves. Putting the "pathetic" into pathetic fallacy, the fact I chose and Nick copied was "I'm probably going to get lost". "There's no way you can get lost today" we were reassured.

After two minutes skiing with the group, we got lost for four and a half hours. We got on the wrong lift after the first run we did. At least I could say "I told you so." Due to our earlier mistake, I had to make a series of phone calls to contact Adam, starting with phoning a nerd in England who I knew would be near a computer at 10:30Am GMT and getting them to find the hotel's phone number (thanks, Jacques) and then phoning the hotel for Adam's number. That group did a lot of waiting for us that day and I doubt that some of them forgave us, especially after we abandoned them again at the end of the day when buggering up walking back to the hotel.

The rest of the holiday went smoothly, though, perhaps excluding a slight incident of smashing my face into a wall of snow (comfortable but cold, I wouldn't recommend it except for humourous purposes). Oh, and if you ever see Nick's dad, mention the word "intermediate".

3. Art

I've been pretty busy these days with my art coursework. Mrs Bumfluff/Bamford is back with a vengeance from pretending to have a child and suddenly the amount of work I have to do is equivalent to finding a girlfriend for an autistic bear. At least we got to meet the world famous artist Ian Murphy. He's great, unless you follow him on Twitter. We've started our exam project now, and I've picked marine life as my topic. The choices weren't great, year 13s got a Star Wars one! I want a Star Wars one! Not that you care, but here's the art work I have to do this weekend:

watercolour painting of sea lions,
acrylic painting of Japanese octopus type thing,
chalk pastel drawing of fish and turtles,
pen drawing of turtle,
timeline of artists,
analyse a piece of art,
go to Blackpool and take photos of fish.

Add to that my homework for media, German and maths (I hope there wasn't any computing) and you can see that stopping to write this blog post was a stupider decision than giving Jar Jar Binks temporary senatorial powers.

All I want for Christmas is you (and "The Wire" DVD box set)

2009-12-23T11:11:00.000-08:00

Christmas is approaching faster than a speeding turbolaser bolt (the opposite speed to all transportation within Britain) and so I should probably get a move on with this horrid shambles of a blog entry before festive spirit overwhelms me and I need to go take a few more paracetamol.

Of course there's all that peace, family, children, Jesus stuff but what Christmas is really all about is the Doctor Who Christmas special. So before I descend into screaming "DON'T LEAVE ME, DAVID" in the manner of a drunken tramp, can I say that I predict these final specials to be very good and that Matt Smith's series will also be very good, especially with Steven Moffat in charge. Yes, as strange an idea as it is, I have no objections to Doctor Who being run by a straight man. Christmas is a time for equality, after all. DON'T LEAVE ME DAVID!

Although this is undoubtedly the must have present this Christmas, I must have a quick fanwanky paragraph about my early Christmas present from the lovely chaps at Media Molecule. The latest expansion to LittleBigPlanet, Pirates of the Carribean levels and water (yes, WATER!) is erection-inducingly awesome. I told you there'd be a Kraken boss fight. I've started my latest level (expect to see it finished around March) incorporating the new features. I won't give too much away, but my electrified Communist speedboat works perfectly. Oh, and the sexiest hessian yet - Johnny Sacking Depp is in LittleBigPlanet (as Captain Sack Sparrow in Media Molecule's best pun since their inFAMOUS costume blog)!

After Christmas comes New Year and because we all know there's no way I'll find the time to write another post between the two lavishly capitalist festival times, let's now have a quick look back on 2009:

January - Barack Obama inaugurated as first black US President. Paterson Joseph annoyed at not accomplishing a similar fate.
February - I start writing this blog and an important piece of history is made.
March - Something must have happened, I just don't know what.
April - On April 29 and April 30, Arsenal Gear crash lands into Federal Hall, causing devastation to New York City from its coast. London comes under more "light-hearted" and "rompy" threat from some space manta rays and a thief dicking around in a flying bus.
May - I leave school. Ha, I'm never going to see you again, BRGS!
June - I do my GCSEs in BRGS. And ace them. Now I'm finished, I'm never going to see you again, BRGS! Michael Jackson sadly dies and conspiracy theorists speculate tirelessly on it. My favourite theory was that he had a hereditary disease; his death was caused by a defective billy gene. Sorry.
July - Children all over the Earth announce that they are coming, paedophiles are disappointed when it turns out to be a warning about an alien invasion and Torchwood is actually, seriously excellent.
August - I cruise the seas under the helm of Captain Bang but make an enemy of a small square of chocolate brownie.
September - I join BRGS sixth form. It's like lower school but with nice chairs, and I have two of what's called a "free", which is soon reduced to just one.
October - The International Olympic Committee awards the 2016 Summer Olympics to Rio de Janeiro. That's all I've got.
November - Modern Warfare 2 is released, the most high-profile gaming launch ever. It is set in 2015 and features a level where a massive chaotic gunfight causes quite a lot of damage in Rio de Janeiro. Conspiracy theorists, go! Also, I spend my birthday attempting (and failing) to eat 20 teabags, but have an epic party which most of my year come to, sneakily disguised as a parent's evening.
December - Why the hell would I look back on a month that hasn't finished yet?

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Modern Warfare 2: the price of war is RRP £54.99

2009-12-01T11:11:00.000-08:00

WARNING: post contains spoilertrons for Modern Warfare 2, but if you don't know the ending yet then you're either:
a) not a real nerd, because you haven't finished it yet, so get off this bit of the internet and go finish it,
b) a person with no friends, because you haven't heard anyone talking about it (it's fanbase in the UK alone is pretty much the exact size of Belgium), in which case, welcome to the internet, nerd, or
c) a Nintendo fanboy. Hi, Dale.

I got Modern Warfare 2 for my birthday last Thursday, because I'd heard that it's very good, and indeed it is, in fact it's better than you could possibly imagine (although possibly not as good as MGS4 or LBP). I played the first two levels on Thursday, but that was all, because I had to jet off to my epic birthday party. It was so awesome, nearly all the year went; I must be extremely popular! Actually, it was a parent's evening, but that's only a minor detail. By the way, the parent's evening went well: I'm brilliant, I'm a genius, Mr Wyton won't organise a trip to Germany because he'd need to find his birth certificate etc.

Personally, I'm against war, I don't like how people spend all their time making nice things and other people come along and break them, but I'm all for pretend war in games. Hopefully, all out war between Russia nd the US won't break out in reality like in MW2. If that happens, it'll be the end of everything. Everything, you understand? Even your pension!

Anyway, I've finished the whole campaign now. It was jolly well impressive: great variety of awesome gameplay elements, good graphics and whatnot. The story was a little bit silly (I still don't see why destroying the International Space Station was the best idea) but I don't think it's worth making a fuss about that. After all, there isn't a single near-invincible ninja or giant mecha, and (as you've probably gathered by now) I loved the Metal Gear Solid series. Captain Price wears some lovely hats, I should like a hat like that.

The controversial level was quite interesting and not that bad really; it's only pretending to massacre civilians (who all seem to be wearing the same clothes) in an airport. Would have been worse if it was a bus station. I loathe bus stations. Terrible places. Full of lost luggage and lost souls.

Was a slight shame that I had been spoiled though. The only thing that surprised me in the storyline was that Shepherd had a moustache. I knew he was going to be a traitor, because he's corrupt and stuff. Well, not really that corrupt. Ten million years of absolute power. That's what it takes to be really corrupt. Shepherd was just an army guy with a sideline in being a prick.

I've also played some of the multiplayer. After one game, I was at 6 kills, 3 deaths (that was a good day, I need more days like this) and very much considering never playing it again, in order to prevent myself from buggering up my good ratio. However, I gave into the temptation and played again and, lo and behold, buggered up my good ratio. I'm now at around 0.75, but I'm sure I'll get better (although I said that about all the games I've previously played). I haven't even played all the maps yet. Somehow, I've played about 3 of them 3 times each and not been allowed to touch the other ones, but my favourite so far is Derailed, because I like the mix of Russia, snow and trains. The only thing it's missing is bears. Perhaps they could be patched in, as a kill streak perk maybe? Or a third faction?

Basically, Modern Warfare 2 is so very good that it's hard to put down. I've only stopped playing for two reasons, partly to write this, but also because I was about to get RSI in my thumbs from the PS3 controller, and I like my thumb. I need my thumb. I'm very attached to my thumb. OK, back to gaming!

P.S. I've been playing this game. I count 98 points from this post alone! Shall reset counter for sixth form tomorrow.

Yo Dave!

2009-11-24T12:35:00.000-08:00

(For this lovely project.)

Yo Dave,

Has anyone told you yet that your Doctor Who stories were good? It’s possible, but I doubt it, so let me tell you: your Doctor Who stories were good, and you were good in the role of the Doctor. Bet no-one’s told you that before. I considered writing “It’s OK, ‘Love and Monsters’ and ‘Fear Her’ weren’t your fault” there, but I though that might be a bit rude, so I didn’t.
Anyway, you were pretty awesome (and awesomely pretty), so I made you this similarly pretty awesome (and awesomely pretty, but you probably get the point) picture to show my appreciation. It shows one of the episodes that I’ll make when I am head writer of Doctor Who and Director General of the BBC, which can’t be too far off now (but please try not to age too much anyway, I’ll need to get you back for a past Doctor series). In this story, the Doctor arrives in troubles-era Belfast harbour to find it under attack from Godzilla and his nemesis, the demon beast Axor, who is enslaving innocents in order to wage a destructive war against Godzilla. The Doctor eventually defeats the monsters with the help of his companion, O’Overend, and a handy potato cannon. The story is based on what I learned in GCSE English. Obviously my series will need a high budget, especially considering that at least half of the other episodes will feature a massive spaceship battle, but that’s OK, because I’ll be a billionaire by the time we produce this.
Oh, I think I will tell you one more time that you were a great Doctor. You were a great Doctor. I haven’t seen your final specials yet, but am very much looking forward to them, especially after the fantastically brilliant “The Waters of Mars”. I thought that the “main character goes a bit naughty and commits morally questionable acts towards the end of their storyline” storyline couldn’t be bettered after McNulty in season 5 of ‘The Wire’, but you’re a strong challenger. Stronger than a bear against a magpie.
One last thing – you were brilliant!

Kieron Moore

(I'd say this is the nerdiest thing I've ever done, but, you know...)

Film Review: Drag Me to Hell

2009-11-14T16:54:00.000-08:00

In the second of my regular series of film reviews, I'm going to talk to you about a horror film I watched today, Drag Me to Hell. Beware, I might post some spoilers, but it doesn't matter because you'd have worked out the ending five minutes into the film anyway.

Drag Me to Hell is about a woman who works in a bank, so the audience are already against her. No, no, she's a goodie. Anyway, a scary old woman comes into the bank and our heroine refuses to give the scary old woman an extension on her mortgage, so, naturally, the scary old woman unleashes an evil demon on her, which will torment her for three days before taking her to Hell for eternal damnation. Society really shouldn't be so harsh on bankers, they deserve those bonuses for living with the risk of demon curses.

Look, it's your mum.

The middle bit of the film is mainly all horror cliché and conventions, with flickery lights, a worried but helpful fortune teller, a séance and an adorable kitten being stabbed. I was quite entertained by the Looney Tunes influenced scene in which an anvil falls on a demon scary old lady vision's head and her eyes get squashed out on stalks.

The ending, however, is where Drag Me to Hell is truly memorable and I would like to pretend that I totally didn't see it coming. Actually, I wouldn't like to pretend that, because then I would seem less intelligent than George Bush after his brains have been attacked by a manic zombie panda bear with a chainsaw (a creature which this film was sorely lacking). The fortune teller says to the main character something very close to "You need to give away this small circular object to someone else by the end of the day, or else you'll be dragged to Hell by a demon and will have to endure an eternity of torture. I'll put it in this white envelope for you, that just happens to be identical to another white envelope that, earlier in the film, you placed a totally different and insignificant but similar shaped and sized small circular object in. There's no way you can mess this up." followed by, less than a minute later, "Woops, I dropped all my stuff on the floor, including both of these white envelopes."

In fact, that reminds me of something...

HENNIMORE!!!!!

So, yeah, almost as good as Mega Snake.

A work in progress

2009-10-29T12:51:00.000-07:00

There's a reason behind all this, I tell you.

And that's just one example of how I've been spending my half term productively. I've also filled a bucket with paper shreddings and sprayed it with water, watched 6 episodes of a documentary about World War II and watched some children's science fiction. I did try applying for some jobs, too, but to no great avail. They should recognise how awesome I am and immediately make me CEO.

An interesting art trip

2009-10-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

Today was the day of our art trip to Fountains Abbey in Yorkshire. Yes, Yorkshire. There's normally one to London, but the head of art is pretending to be on maternity leave, so Yorkshire sufficed.

We were told to draw four pictures, take photos and "don't forget to visit the photography exhibition." So I drew two and a bit pictures, took the photos, and I didn't forget to visit the exhibition. And when I say I didn't forget to go, I mean I didn't forget to go, not that I went.

We would have gone if we had more time, but we spent so long walking to lunch, because the tea room was so bloody far away. You see, most people were sensible and went to the nearby café, but I heard that there was a tea room and thought "I like tea!" so was one of the very few fools who tried to get to it, then was so worn out by the time I got there, about 20 minutes after setting off, that I didn't even have tea, because I needed something more refreshing. The sandwiches were naff, too.

Also, the coach journey was pretty long and tedious, made worse by my incompetence in socialising with anybody but Barnsey, the lovable but dull rogue that he is, leading me to smash my head into a chair repeatedly and look at a small but not worthy of being looked at for so long tripod.

This is my favourite out of my photographs, which will be part of my A-level coursework. Unfortunately, Barnesy wouldn't let me stop to do a drawing of it.

Overall, very enjoyable.

The most besterest television ever?

2009-09-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

I've finally finished watching all 60 episodes of the Wire, after starting on season one in May(ish). It certainly was most excellent and had a great ending, the extra long final episode being utterly fantastically brilliant in every aspect, except for that unusual furry mammal on Prez's face. Lester Freamon, on the other hand, knew how to wear a beard properly and was a favourite character of mine.

I was considering writing an essay analysing the themes and issues presented throughout the series, but thought it wouldn't fit the tone of this blog. Also, see reason for not posting pictures in my previous blog post.

However, now it's finished I feel empty inside. What am I meant to do with my life? I suppose I'll go and cry into some tea while mumbling about how, as Senator Clay Davies would say, sheeeeeeeeee-it British TV is.

Or, I could watch this classic scene again. Anyone want to buy me the box set for Christmas (or my birthday, put November 26th into your diaries)?

-30-

LittleBigPlanet - The Devil Went Down to Guildford

2009-09-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

I've published a new LittleBigPlanet level, "The Devil went down to Guildford" by mmmpieisgood. You should go and play it right now.

Who'd have thought that below Media Molecule's peaceful home town of Guildford lies a dark cave populated by naughty, naughty demons? And Sackboy was only trying to get home from the pub...

I'd post some pictures, but frankly, I'm busy and I can't be arsed. Maybe another time.

My GCSE results in the form of a haiku.

2009-08-27T09:02:00.000-07:00

I have nine A stars
Three A at GCSE
And A at add maths

Also, it's nice to see the Free Press reported this well, with a wall of names and numbers with no explanation as to what they mean. I'm 13 (13) apparently. No, no idea. At least it's not as bad as their A-level results announcement last week, in which they did explain the numbers but had actually got all of them wrong.

You don't give a ship about my holiday (but read this anyway)

2009-08-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

If you're wondering why I've not been posting recently (which you're not, because I always take ages between posts and no-one reads this blog regularly anyway), then it's because I've been on holiday for the past two weeks, cruising the Mediterranean on the Navigator of the Seas.

No, this blog entry is not to show off how I've been having a good time on a wonderful holiday, it is in fact to show off my beautiful tan.

Apparently, my skin now looks "healthy" and no longer like I am an albino Victorian child with rickets. Even though I'm still thousands of shades whiter than the average person who was on board for half the time I was, that's still pretty good going for a ginger, right?

Highlights:

- The captain for the second week was called Captain Bang. At first I was a bit worried about being under the care of someone who sounds like a naff superhero; what if we ran into his equally onomatopoeic nemesis, Dr Von Boom? Or a cyborg whale? However, I came to appreciate Captain Bang as he got the Navigator out of all the tricky situations it ended up in, mainly by speaking on the announcement channel, starting with "Hello, this is Captain Bang speaking" and then drifting into incomprehensibility and having to be translated by a welsh guy. (Disclaimer: I didn't take that photo of captain Bang, I was too much in awe of his powers. I found it on Google.)

- An Italian guy fell over on stage when introducing a Beatles tribute act. That was hilarious.

- Failing to fix the safe in my cabin that was really just a retarted cupboard with numbers on it. If you pressed close, the word OPEN came onto the display and nothing happened. Once it started a nine minute countdown for absolutely no reason, skipped to two and a half minutes and then nothing happened at the end.

- I can now say "no" in Greek, "one hundred and fourteen" in Italian and "grandfather" in Danish. I'm quite the multilinguist.

- Losing to an ex US army soldier at Ping Pong and to my mum at crazy golf.

- Can anyone tell me what "pas da fresque" (or something similar, that's from what I heard) means? It's either Spanish or Catalan... a pretty but deadly assassin lady from Barcelona attacked my hat and then shouted it repeatedly at me. No, I don't make this up. I did the best solution to any problem one doesn't understand and just ignored the hat-raper, she went away eventually.

- The food. I can't think of something funny to say about the food, as I keep being distracted by memories of how tasty it was, one turkey sandwich in particular.

Lowlights:

- Towel folding demonstration a disappointment. I expected to learn a useful skill but it was just many people gathered around a piano upon which someone was folding a towel into various lovely shapes, which no explanation on how to do it.

- There was an evil square of chocolate brownie on a little area of deck outside my balcony which could always be seen but never be reached. It stared at me maliciously all holiday, and it took great effort to heroically resist the temptation to turn to the dark side, leap into the restricted area and crush every atom of it's existence. We asked at Guest Relations for it to be cleaned away on day 8, but it never was. Even the crew were scared of it.

Look at it, the face of pure evil, squirming with malign intent, standing in the face of the good and righteous and refusing to go away. For two whole weeks!

I could tell you more, but I have eight hours of The Wire Sky+'d, so addios!

I've never claimed Facebook is any good, but...

2009-07-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

...this just takes the urine.

Through a series of unfortunate consequences I ended up taking the aptly named "Are you gay, straight or bi?" quiz (if one is feeling generous enough to call it a 'quiz'), and look what bloody happened.I got 'Your gay!' and whoever created this needs to fix their bloody grammar. The English language is going down the arseing metaphorical drain. Where the hell is my apostrophe? I mean, do you know how many exclamation marks there were in the automatically posted comment before I had to change it? Three! No comment on the result, even though there was a question which practically asked "what sexuality are you?" and I didn't answer gay. It's like if there was a quiz trying to magically work out my favourite author featuring the question "Who is your favourite author?" for which I may (hypothetically) answer "Dickens" followed by the vastly intelligent program working out that my favourite author is, in fact, Shakespeare. Oh no, sorry, that wouldn't happen, because the twazzocks who make these quizzes aren't literate enough to use fucking words!

As if this experience was irritating enough, the situation only escalated when I saw this on a friend's page:

Interesting to note that, as well as displaying the same (possibly worse) extremely limited grasp of using grammar as my equally ambiguous result (no apostrophe, capital letters at start of all words, no full stop, wrong gadding spelling of "your"), this result, with little subtlety, clumsily exposes the writer of this godforsaken quiz as homophobic. The description for "Straight" is "Your Normal"? This just shows the astonishing evil lurking in human civilisation. I'm starting to agree with the woman in Torchwood who argued that we should give all the thick kids away to aliens. In fact, scrap that ten percent thing, let's give them everyone. Except John and I. Then we can prove that his result is wrong, whilst using proper grammar.

Tw*tter

2009-06-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

I've decided I might actually start posting on this Twitter thing I signed up to a while ago; once I've worked out how to use it, follow me here: http://twitter.com/mmmpieisgood

It can be a microcosm to the macrocosm that is this blog!

Film Review: Mega Snake

2009-05-31T09:33:00.000-07:00

As the first in a series that will probably last a whole one edition, I present to you a review of a film I saw on the Sci-Fi Channel last night.

"Mega Snake" is an emotional movie that explores themes such as fear, tradition, trust and a massive snake that grows to about 70 foot and eats lots of people. It is certainly a unique and inspirational piece that leads to an exciting climax.

There weren't actually any fighter planes or tanks like in the above picture, which i think is good because they would have made it cheesy and crap.

I was happy to see a cameo appearance by Feedback, my most favourite superhero ever, who I once saw win the final of something that was a bit like The Apprentice but for superheroes. Michael Shanks, Siri Baruc and Matthew Atherton, three of my favourite thespians ever, were also very good and showed impressive talent.

However, I think it missed out on the chance to have an appearance by Godzilla. A climactic showdown between the Mega Snake and Godzilla would have been amazing! Maybe in the sequel.

Final verdict: all round quality entertainment, desreves multiple Oscars. 12.48/10

Well, that's finally over with. What the kriff next?

2009-05-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

So, I've officially finished school and once again have shown my true resolve by not becoming overly emotional. It is really very sad, I won't see any of my friends again until the exams next week. I'll miss John most, the lovable huggybunny.

However, I once again find myself the victim of a disgraceful conspiracy to not allow the correct people to win things. I very much deserved the award I was nominated for, "most laid back student". Even the great Mr Wyton has described me as laid back! Also, Adam unfairly didn't get "best hair" and Barnsey, the Herculean beast, unfairly didn't get "most macho student". He deserved that for the time he single handedly threw me over a massive chair!

This is like that time back at year 9 camp, where my form had the best entry for the talent show, including me as a wolf in a cardboard lorry and everyone, even some of the winning form, agreed we should have won and so it was probably rigged so that the same form couldn't win both the talent show and the magazine contest thing, which we also won, because we were great and I wrote an article about swingball despite never having played the gadding thing.

Speaking of me wearing cardboard, I seem to do that quite often; maybe I have some kind of fetish?

Occasions where I have worn cardboard:
- Year 9 camp talent show
- Pritt Stick costume at Dan's parties (twice)
- Metal Gear Rawtenstall
- Graphics group photo
- Probably more

In other news, the BBC have changed their mind. Matt Smith's out, this guy's leaving his current job to become Tennant's successor:

Tales of the Troubles in Ireland

2009-04-26T08:42:00.000-07:00

Here's a nice little story that was produced last English lesson for Mr Overend's uber-specific practice exam question: Write a piece in which you convey strong emotion. He should have realised what would happen!

(If that's too small for you to read, click for bigger version. And get your eyes tested, you short sighted fool!)

Time to show the world my hole!

2009-04-14T10:21:00.000-07:00

No, not that hole. Not here anyway.

This is my new LBP level, an entry for the Golf Course Challenge.

If anyone reading this (anyone?) has LBP, please play (and heart, I need the votes to win a shiny, shiny crown) LBPGolfEU Par 4 by mmmpieisgood
Please.

Ooh and this time, I've gone all techno techno and I have a video, look! Mmmm HD... (thanks very much to SheepLord for his level recording service)

Some pictures too for the less video-savvy of you delightful lot:Super sexy logo!Everything you need for golf: club, ball, tee, buggy, sponge with exclamation mark on hanging from tree
Me with my caddyFinally the green, showing the level's antagonist, a cute furry beaver.

Finally, better late than never, here is a wonderful video of my previous level, Doctor Who Tribute: Invasion of the Daleks:

How can I blame this one on Mr Gray, then?

2009-03-25T12:03:00.000-07:00

After yesterday bringing you the epic news that the production side of my graphics coursework is completely destroyed, today I bring the sequel! This time it is the Word documents that constitute the actual coursework that have been ballsed up beyond recognition. After spending hours producing them yesterday, I brought them into school on my USB pen to find...

over 375 pages of little squares!

Right, well then...

It seems my USB pen wants to play the "corrupting all your files" game. Pity, 'twas a good friend, that little shiny device.
And when did I find this out? The day of the deadline. Poo socks.

"totally screwed" - a professional opinion on my coursework files from the IT technician.

My uber-professional tech coursework

2009-03-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

Making a point of sale display for a video game, eh? No way I can flange this up!
Picture for my evaluation, of members of my target market looking at my product and commenting on it. Looking at it, not holding it together, of course.

They let go of it for one bally second. Goodness me!

I made a Survival Challenge!

2009-03-01T12:43:00.000-08:00

Another LittleBigPlanet related post, huzzah!

This time I've put my creative genius to work on making a survival challenge, so I hope it is included in Media Molecule's next Survival Challenge Picks!

MmSC Survival Challenge: Space Race by mmmpieisgood is up now! You've been challenged to a spaceship race; try to survive and collect score bubbles for as long as you can! But your opponent doesn't play nice...

(And I hope the subliminal messaging in my last two level's logos works)

My New LBP Level: "Doctor Who Tribute: Invasion of the Daleks"

2009-02-20T09:47:00.000-08:00

After much hard work, my amazing level for LittleBigPlanet, "Doctor Who Tribute: Invasion of the Daleks" by mmmpieisgood is complete! If you happen to have LBP, please check it out! Here are some screenshots:

Logo-icon thingyMy sackboy with the Tenth Doctor, played by ~~a slab of cardboard~~ David Tennant.Little on the outside, Big on the inside, can travel to any Planet"Goodness, another alien invasion!" That's Donna's Grandad, OK? Outside Rose Tyler's house.

Use the sonic paintinator against the Daleks!x2 area for time travellers who travel with a companion

Also, there is a boss battle, but I won't spoil that for you.

Metal Gear Rawtenstall

2009-02-17T12:47:00.000-08:00

This is a tribute to Metal Gear Solid that me and my friends did last year, during the long, arduous wait for Guns of the Patriots. I play the role of Snake (quite convincingly) in the video. We didn't get it on camera, but we were actually kicked out of Focus DIY store for this! That was one thing I could cross off my lifetime ambitions.

Subliminal Message

2009-02-06T12:36:00.000-08:00

It's trying to tell us something...

Heh, I made this a while ago and thought I might as well remind people via my blog that they have lost a particular game. The clips from Doctor Who: Utopia and The Sound of Drums, BBC Wales.
For an explanation about the game, go to www.losethegame.com to learn about THE GAME. In this episode of Doctor Who, the Master takes over the world by getting that rhythm stuck in everyone's head. A group of people at my school decided to make everyone associate the rhythm with THE GAME, so when it is clapped everyone who hears loses.

Ich habe eine besondere Katze gekauft!

2009-02-03T11:39:00.000-08:00

Big version of image here

Right now, yes, this is the item I mentioned in my first post. It is a piece of German homework about a cat, and I decided to make it contain as many references to the internet as possible. It has now been typed up in German and is going to go on a school wall display! Here is a translation in English and a German transcription:

I have bought a special cat!

Speech bubble: All your base are belong to us!

1. Name? Age?
My cat, Megazor, is over 9000 years old.

2. Where / When / Why did I buy?
I bought Megazor last Tuesday from eBay. I saw his picture and the seller's feedback rating, and knew that Megazor was the cat for me!

3. Eats and drinks?
Megazor enjoys eating cheeseburgers and says "Can I has cheeseburger?" when he is hungry. He drinks Powerthirst, an energy drink for men (and male cats).

4. Description - appearance and personality?
Megazor is very cute and fluffy. Also, he is very intelligent. He is sex addicted and enjoys masturbating.

5. Favourite place - why?
His favourite place is Sparta, because he is not a blasphemer or a madman. There are many men who do not wear shirts, because it is so hot.

6. Interesting habits?
In his spare time, Megazor enjoys destroying worlds. He also listens to music. His favourite song is "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley.

7. Psychological problems?
No, because Megazor is now over his post-traumatic stress syndrome and the voices in his head are actually aliens from another dimension, making an amateur attempt at telepathy.

8. My cat and the future?
Megazor will become very powerful in the future, and next year will travel with me to Tokyo, where he hopes to fight Godzilla.

Ich habe eine besondere Katze gekauft!

1. Name? Alter?
Meine Katze, Megazor, ist über 9000 Jahre alt.

2. Wo/Wann/Warum gekauft?
Ich habe Megazor letzten Dienstag von eBay gekauft. Ich habe seine Bilder und des Verkäufers Rückmeldungen gesehen, und dass Megazor war die Katze für mich gewiss!

3. Frisst und trinkt?
Megazor frisst gern Cheeseburgers und sagt „Kann ich Cheeseburger haben?“ wenn er hungrig ist. Er trinkt Powerthirst, ein Energiegetränk fur Männer (und Kater).

4. Beschreibung – Aussehen und Persönlichkeit?
Megazor ist sehr dufte und flaumig. Auch, ist er sehr intelligent. Er ist sexsüchtig und onaniert gern.

5. Lieblingsplatz – warum?
Sein Lieblingsplatz ist Sparta, weil er kein Gottesläster oder ein Verrückten ist. Es gibt viele Männer, die keine Hemde tragen, weil es so heiß ist.

6. Interessante Gewohnheiten?
In seiner Freizeit, zerstört Megazor gern Welten. Auch hört er Müsik. Sein Lieblingslied ist „Never Gonna Give You Up“ von Rick Astley.

7. Psychologische Probleme?
Nein, weil jetzt ist Megazor über sein posttraumatisches Stresssyndrom, und die Stimmen in seinem Kopf sind sogar Außerirdischen von einer anderes Dimension.

8. Meine Katze und die Zukunft?
Megazor wird in der Zukunft sehr mächtig werden, und wird nächstes Jahr mit mir nach Tokyo fahren, wo er höfft mit Godzilla zu kämpfen.

Citizens of Earth, heed my call!

2009-02-03T11:24:00.000-08:00

Yes, well, hello, I'm setting up a blog and all that. Now how does this bally thing work? Oh yes, right, hmmmmm... OK, I'm setting this up because of something awesome I did in school that everyone said just had to go on the internet, so I will post it here soon and then everyone can look and go "ooh!" like a pleasured badger and all that, yes.

By the way, I should let you know, I'm a PS3 fanboy and will probably end up reviewing LittleBigPlanet at some time and giving it 10 out of 10 as it is, as the kids on the street would say, rather sick. Yes. Those of you who may wish to contact me can do so via my PSN: "mmmpieisgood" or my email: jolly_pie_pie@hotmail.com . Yes, I know my currently produced LBP levels are of potentially unsatisfactory quality, but I have a really very good one coming up.

Please try not to break my internets blog, and may the force by with you!

PS. I'm ginger, BTW.